Don't Call It A Bromance

Three amigos, one blog.

DCIAPC 2.4: Is the Big Ten Really As Bad As People Think?

Yes. Yes it is. [Ed Matt: Nah.] Not a ton of time for the column this week, so why don’t I run down a (relatively) unbiased power rankings of the Big Ten that Matt and Bob will probably have some major qualms with? Most of our readers are Big Ten fans anyway. Don’t forget to put the brown paper bags you use to hide your identity for fear of shame back over your head after you finish reading! Just so you have a heads up, this week is probably going to be an all-time record for me making people really mad, although our Southern friends escape mostly unscathed.

Actually Competent Football Teams

1. Michigan State

Defense! A competent quarterback! If the Spartans don’t run away laughing from their divisional competition I will be quite surprised.

2. Wisconsin

This team could be so good if only it had a quarterback. The Badgers looked great for most of the game against LSU and if they didn’t have a safety under center, they would’ve won that game easily.

3. Ohio State

Instead of analysis, I’m going to embed the following video for your viewing pleasure. Glorious. You’re welcome. Keep in mind this VT team lost to East Carolina the next week. BIG TENNNNNN!

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DCIAPC 2.3: Our First Playoff Power Rankings

This is a weekly picks column where Matt, Bob and I each pick five college football games against the spread. Those games will include each of our schools’ games (Illinois, Northwestern and Miami, respectively) and two national games. If one of our teams is off, then we’ll substitute an extra national game. You are invited to pick with us in the comments and we’ll post the standings each week. On with the show.

Well it’s been two weeks and we’re already more than 10% done with the college football regular season. That’s a pretty depressing thought, but there’s still so much more fun to have this season. One relatively big program hasn’t even played a game yet! How much will people count out Michigan State despite putting up a very respectable performance on the road against what just might be the best team in the entire country? To what degree will Notre Dame’s fans convince themselves they’ll beat Stanford before the Cardinal destroy them and their perfect season? Will pundits crown USC despite the fact that their victory over Stanford last week was perhaps college football’s luckiest win since Miami’s “victory” against Florida last season? So many questions and I can’t wait to discover the answers over the coming weeks.

Let’s get to a new segment we’ll roll out weekly here on DCIAPC! It’s the Playoff Power Rankings, where I lay out the four teams that should make the playoffs if they started this week. Without further ado, here we go:

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DCIAPC 2.2: I Don’t Wanna Talk About It

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I could, however, eat away my sorrows with delicious tacos.

This is a weekly picks column where Matt, Bob and I each pick five college football games against the spread. Those games will include each of our schools’ games (Illinois, Northwestern and Miami, respectively) and two national games. If one of our teams is off, then we’ll substitute an extra national game. You are invited to pick with us in the comments and we’ll post the standings each week. On with the show.

We love sports, especially college football. This is obvious. We wouldn’t be writing about college football for various outlets if this weren’t the case. College football is awesome for so many reasons and most weekends it brings us unbridled elation and just general good feelings. All of the good feels.

This was not one of those weekends. Illinois won, but trailed a 1-AA (nope, still not doing that FCS thing) team into the fourth quarter. After that, Northwestern was undressed on its home field for three quarters by Cal and a late comeback came up short en route to the Golden Bears’ first win over a real football team since October 13, 2012. (Not a typo.) Not to be outdone, Miami squandered a number of excellent chances to win the Louisville game and then got run off the field in the fourth quarter.

So you’ll have to excuse me if I’m a little out of snark this week. Any biting comments I make about other schools or people would inevitably come back to “YOUR TEAM JUST LOST TO LOUISVILLE TWO STRAIGHT TIMES BY A COMBINED SCORE OF 67-22!” So you’ll have to wait until next week when Miami beats the pants off of Florida A&M and I’m in a better mood for the snark express. As the headline says, when it comes to last week, I don’t wanna talk about it and I doubt Matt and Bob are that eager to rehash their games either. Guh. I need my Creed Tucker paragraph this week more than ever. No pressure, Creed.

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Don’t Call It A Picks Competition: Season 2!

Don’t Call It A Comeback

College Football season is nearly upon us once again and you know what that means—the return of everyone’s no one’s favorite weekly column, Don’t Call It A Picks Competition! While we know that we set the bar incredibly high last year, we promise the new season won’t be nearly as horrific of a disappointment as Season 2 of Friday Night Lights. (Although Matt Saracen was as dreamy as ever.)

While we stopped counting after the last week of the regular season because I’m lazy and no one else really cares about this, if I recall correctly Bob won narrowly over a very respectable Matt while my picks finished about as well as Fernando Torres. (NEW THIS YEAR: SOCCER ZINGS!) But with a new season, comes new hope and with new hope comes redemption! Or, better yet, in the age of #HASHTAGANDCAPITALIZEEVERYTHING (for those of you too lazy to parse out those words, that says, “Hashtag, fuck you, I worked hard on this. You can interpret that. Also, sorry Mom, but I use that language because of how you raised me.”), with new hope comes #REDEMPTION! And like the University of Miami football team, I must have a stupid marketing slogan to attempt to distract attention from my relatively pedestrian ability.

So what is this? If you were around last year, you certainly need no explanation and we sincerely appreciate your readership. Seriously, the support and readership for this column blows us away and means a lot. Thanks. If you’re just coming on, welcome! This is a weekly picks competition that posts every Thursday where Matt, Bob and I pick five college football games and try to publicly humiliate each other as much as possible. Each week, we’ll pick the games for each of our schools (Illinois, Northwestern and Miami, respectively) as well as two national games. If one of our teams is off, we’ll substitute a national game for it. You are invited to play along in the comments and we’ll post the standings each week.

We also have some news this year! Since we last wrote for you, Matt and I have both jumped on to real sports blogs. He writes about the Illini over at The Champaign Room and I talk Miami at Canes Warning. And of course I would be remiss if I didn’t mention Bob’s great weekly columns for the Daily Northwestern.

Aside from the picks, each edition includes a column-type thing that mostly involves me making a bunch of highly offensive and stereotypical jokes (some of which have caused confrontations with multiple close relatives, yep seriously) that Matt and Bob cringe at knowing they will be associated with them. [ED Bob: Yep.] [ED Matt: Yep.] Here’s what you can expect this season:

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This Woman Managed to Demean Men, Women, Herself and Her Marriage All In One Amazingly Offensive and Awful Blog Post

Typically when we (okay fine, I) write a line-by-line fisking of something written elsewhere, it’s entirely over-the-top and solely for comedic purposes. (Here’s a nice example.) This one will feature plenty of that, but overall this isn’t going to be a simple, empty calories entry like the fiskings before it. It will only be mostly empty calories. On June 11, a woman named Lauren who writes a lifestyle-type blog called Apples and Band-Aids Blog posted an article called, “My Husband Doesn’t Need To See Your Boobs“. [Update: Lauren has thankfully removed this post from her blog. Luckily for me, the internet never forgets and nearly all of it is included in this post.] Beyond the fact that it’s moronic as can be, it’s downright demeaning (and not just towards men). In fact, my main issues with it aren’t the things she asserts about men, although they are insulting and asinine. Let’s go line-by-line and break this down so we can hopefully take some sort of good lessons (and laughs) out of this shameful, toxic mess.

I can’t believe I’m writing this. I can’t believe I’m writing this. I can’t believe I used the word boobs in the title of this post.

I can’t believe you’re writing this. I can’t believe you’re writing this. Wait, boobs? Do go on.

I got enough purity lessons in high school to invoke a gag reflex any time I heard the word modesty. I remember wanting to crawl out of my skin when my Bible school teachers discussed appropriate *touching*. Ugh, that still makes me want to throw up in my mouth a little.

If there’s anyone who’s teaching someone who’s about to teach us about what’s appropriate and not appropriate, it should be Bible school teachers. Seriously, Bible standards are great and relevant barometers for modesty in the twenty-first century! Thus, anyone who attended Bible school must be an authority on the topic.

Growing up, my father carefully examined everything I wore out of the house. There was a stack of clothes in his closet that I was never allowed to wear, even if I had just ripped the $54.99 tag off. If it was too short, too tight, too low-cut, or too anything, it went in the pile in his closet.

This behavior from a father towards his daughter isn’t demeaning, repugnant or alarming at all! Dropping the sarcastic tone for a minute, I’m going to assume Lauren didn’t decide to sport nothing but two sea-shells up top and a skimpy bikini bottom with the words “OPEN FOR BUSINESS” right on the butt (retail: $54.99) to Bible school growing up, so this type of KGB policing is downright disturbing from her father. It at least shows that her worldview on this topic is so distorted because of her upbringing and it’s not completely her fault.

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