I feel like we owe it to this series to give it a better/funnier title, Harry. Thoughts? I don’t know what that would be, but as always my job is not to create, but to sit back and destroy the work of others. 

Normally I’d apologize and make some half-hearted joke about how we haven’t written anything on the blog since the first couple days of its existence, but apologies often lead blogs down the slippery slope towards an apology at the beginning of every post, followed by a promise of future activity that will inevitably be broken. It has already been established that DCIAB has no schedule, so anybody who gets excited to read our posts (lol) will just have to wait. That being said, it’s nearly 1 a.m. of the morning before my AP Calculus exam, so it seems like the ideal moment to spend an inordinate amount of time writing a lackluster blog post that nobody will ever see.

Let’s just get down to business, shall we? I consider myself a relatively kind and loving person, so this may be a little iffy for me. I’d just like to point out that much of this is exaggerated and sarcastic in order to get a reaction from the readers. I only kind of feel this way about you, person who happened upon this post and found their status being mocked. As with Harry’s inaugural post, I’ll be rating each Facebook status and Tweet on The Dumbass Meter (TM). The scale goes from 1 (actually a pretty intelligent comment, for someone who lacks cognitive functioning) to 10 (Can somebody please bring me a recording of 2003 Cubs-Marlins Game Six so I can get my mind off something this ridiculously frustrating?). As always, these are real tweets and statuses from real people unless otherwise noted.

“#masturbationconfessionnight I used to be one horny little fucker, and the only way I knew how to cum was by humping my pillow lmfao oh god.”

Our first selection comes from a REAL HASHTAG THAT ACTUALLY TRENDED ON TWITTER IN THE UNITED STATES TONIGHT, “#masturbationconfessionnight”. It’s worth pointing out that this person whipped out about 15 or 20 of these tweets in about a ten minute span. That’s ludicrous, and likely means that they are all fake. However, there’s something about this one that just rings true. Maybe it’s the uncomfortable and clearly self-conscious “lmfao oh god” at the end, but this seems like a genuine problem that this man had back in the day. Under the assumption that this actually happened… I’m not really sure how to digest that. I guess there’s no manual for that kind of thing, but you’d have to be pretty stupid to resort to that method on a consistent basis. I’m honestly finding it a bit difficult to be mad at this person, just because I feel bad. You have to imagine there’d be some serious discomfort involved in that kind of rigorous activity. In the end, I suppose it’s a pretty idiotic tweet, but the fact that it could be fake and that I don’t find myself too angry about it leaves it with an average Dumbass rating. Dumbass Meter: 5/10

“Cuck the Fardinals. Nice win Cubbies.”

Well, I’ll just come right out and say it: this one was Harry. With a win over the Cardinals on Tuesday, the Cubs moved to an extremely promising 13-20 on the season. The Cards’ win streak of six was ended, but that does not change the fact that they remain 20-12 overall. There’s no need to spend too much time on a status like this. Let it be known that publicly bragging about any MLB regular season victory is pretty stupid, especially when the losing team is so clearly better than the winners. The Cubs will play 19 games against the Cardinals this year, and they’ll probably lose 12-15 of them. The sooner we can all come to grips with this, the better. As a side note, it is my firm belief that anyone who uses the “I KNOW, I’LL SWITCH THE FIRST LETTERS OF FUCK AND [TEAM NAME HERE] AND TOTALLY MAKE EVERYBODY MAD AND JEALOUS OF MY TEAM WINNING TONIGHT. NOBODY HAS EVER DONE THAT BEFORE.” should be executed by firing squad on sight, so this one gets bumped up a couple of levels on the DM. Dumbass Meter: 4/10

“~I’ve been to the edge
and God knows if I look down
look down~
Eiffel 65”

Oh boy, now we’re getting to the really good stuff. First of all, you can tell right away that these are song lyrics. Many people went through a phase in life where they posted lyrics as statuses on Facebook, and the use of multiple tildes (the name for the squiggly ~ thingy if you didn’t know) is a dead giveaway. Fortunately for most people, the lyrics-posting stage of life ended when we all turned 13 and started wearing our big boy pants and our makeup. Not the case for this dumb bitch. Not only does she post lyrics in a Facebook status, she posted lyrics to a song that NOBODY FUCKING KNOWS where the lyrics COULD NOT POSSIBLY HAVE ANY SIGNIFICANT FUCKING MEANING. Seriously. I want you, right now, to click this link, and then come back here to read as you listen: LINK (!!!). I know what you’re thinking right now. The song isn’t a complete abomination, right? I’m sure it’ll kick in a little bit after this initial section and go into some verses or something. Oh yeah, here it comes, a nice little build-up and then surely some different, insightful lyrics…Wow this is a very long instrumental (if you can call it that) part. Annnnnd yep. This song is just those lyrics. Over and over. And over. Nothing else. Shitty background music, and then those lyrics, which actually could not make any less sense without more context. Why on Earth would you post a status citing lyrics that could not possibly have any serious meaning derived from them?

This leads me to another point, something that I’ve wanted to bring up for some time. What is with people who post song lyrics as captions to their profile pictures? 99 out of 100 times, the lyrics have absolutely nothing to do with the picture, and are typically ended with some random emoticon of the sun for no fucking reason. This is ridiculous in and of itself, but I have no doubt that profile pictures with these song lyrics ACTUALLY GET MORE LIKES. I could post a profile picture of me throwing up a duck face and sitting in the middle of a dumpster next to a homeless man licking an ice cream cone, and it would certainly get a few likes. However, if I decide that this beautiful expression of my individuality requires the accompaniment of lyrics from “Let Love In” by the Goo Goo Dolls (You’re the only one I ever believed in/the answer that could never be found, for example), I swear on my life I would top 100 likes. Does it matter that it’s incredibly strange for me to seemingly refer to a homeless man as “the only one I ever believed in”? NO. NOT AT ALL. WHY DOESN’T IT MATTER. WHY. In conclusion, I don’t understand song lyrics and their use on Facebook. This status made me throw up a little in my mouth. Dumbass Meter: 9/10

“That Snorlax you just called fat? He was designed to be fat and snore loudly. That Ghastly you just called ugly? She’s working extremely hard to learn a new move to replace Mean Look. See that Hitmonchan with those ugly scars? He got those fighting to save his trainer from bandits. Remember when you told that Jiggypuff she couldn’t sing? She’s worked hard for years with her trainer to perfect her Lullaby.Anyone with a heart will reblog this.Stop Pokebullying now.”

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Dumbass Meter: 10/10