Matt and I are on Facebook a lot, probably way too much. What do we do on Facebook that we could possibly spend so much time doing? In the interests of not having my girlfriend dump me, we don’t need to go into that. But one thing we constantly see other than pictures of bikini clad girls the latest life events of friends, is statuses or wall posts that are—for lack of a more eloquent term—so stupid they make me want to end my own life.

We frequently copy/paste them to each other followed by our quick take on them, such as “Wow it really annoys me how the person that posted this just didn’t think it out before they did it” or “Jesus fucking Christ, I am going to end my life because that status just made me lose all faith in humanity.” Is our rage at these dumb posts justified? We’ll let you be the judge of that. Okay, fine, it’s not. But hopefully it’s entertaining.

This will be a recurring feature on the blog, written by both of us whenever we feel like it. Don’t expect us to stay on a schedule for posting; we’re big time slackers. Anyway, the following statuses are 100% real from our Facebook friends. The Dumbass Meter (TM) is from 1 (not a dumbass status at all) to 10 (displaying Skip Bayless levels of dumbass-ery).

“To whoever told their parents, who yesterday and today told my parents in detail, that I had been “doing lots of drugs” and “drinking” at Coachella, please go fuck yourself. Why would you ever tell your own fucking parents about this and mention my name? It is my business, and talk about if you want to, but not to your fucking family. Whoever you are, good job! My parents are so fucking pissed off, and they are considering taking me out of school and moving. I don’t know what you were trying to do by telling your parents, but it completely fucked me over. Thanks for ruining my life.”

GOD I FUCKING HATE IT WHEN I DO ILLEGAL THINGS IN A PUBLIC PLACE AND PEOPLE TALK ABOUT IT, BUSTING ME IN THE PROCESS! I’M SO UNLUCKY! I’M GOING TO SAY “FUCK” A LOT TO EMPHASIZE HOW FUCKING ANGRY I AM! FUCK! Jesus Christ, are you serious with this? I also hate it when I underage drink copious amounts of alcohol and smoke illegal substances in a public place. Oh wait, I leave it to dumbasses like this girl to pull that garbage. Being a little more reasonable for a second, I’m well aware this is what happens at major music festivals like Coachella. But if you’re going to partake in the illegal festivities, you have to be willing to have witnesses talk about it. In conclusion, you’re a huge dumbass and I’m never going to get back the time I spent reading your dumbass status. Jesus. Dumbass Meter: 9/10

“I just tried to fill up a plastic water bottle for at least a minute before realizing the cap was on. That is all.”

Where do I even start on this one? If I witnessed this happening, I think I might just end my life because I would be so ashamed to belong to the same species as this sorry dumbass. What does it say about us as humans that we have people in our midst that not only attempt to fill up a plastic water bottle for “at least a minute” with the cap on it, but then post about it on Facebook later. If I were ever dumb enough to do something this asinine, I would consider cutting off my stupid fingers that held that bottle one by one before I posted it on the internet. Holy shit, people. The act alone was enough to break the Dumbass Meter; posting it on Facebook just makes me want to bash my head against a wall until I fracture my skull into a few thousand pieces. Dumbass Meter: 10/10

“CAN THINGS STOP HAPPENING IN LIFE SO I CAN JUST WRITE THIS JUNIOR THEME ALREADY??”

Maybe if you really want to do your Junior Theme, one of the things happening in life you should consider stopping is spending time on Facebook. This is a perfect example of one of the dumbest varieties of Facebook statuses out there. I cannot tell you how many people I have seen crow “OH MY GOD I HAVE SO MUCH HOMEWORK” onto my News Feed. WHY ARE YOU ON FACEBOOK IF YOU TRULY HAVE SO MUCH HOMEWORK? If I really wanted to be among people with less common sense than my toilet plunger, I would have moved to Canada already. My goodness, people. Dumbass Meter: 8/10

“Anyone from Georgia, around Athens? I live in Madison.”

For the love of God, I pray there is a Madison in Georgia and this guy isn’t talking about Madison, Wisconsin. [Checking Google briefly.]  Phew, we’re good; nothing to see here. Dumbass Meter: 0/10

“that president’s trophy– stanley here we come. #gohawks”

Let’s just ignore the hashtag on Facebook for a second. For those of you unaware, the President’s Trophy is awarded to the NHL team with the best regular season record, which this year is our own Chicago Blackhawks. Don’t get me wrong, it’s great that my favorite hockey team has been on an unstoppable roll all season. However, the writer of this status either became a hockey fan yesterday or is just a huge dumbass. Probably both, because the winner of the President’s Trophy has won the Stanley Cup a grand total of 7 out of 29 times. Yeah, that’s a 24% chance. Naturally, this status comes from a girl trying to talk about sports; totally didn’t see an uninformed comment coming there. Okay now we can address the hashtag. JESUS CHRIST, STOP USING HASHTAGS ON FACEBOOK. A hashtag bumps a status up at least three points on the Dumbass Meter alone. Dumbass Meter: 6/10

That’s all for today as I don’t want to pop a blood vessel in my neck. I think I’m going to let Matt take the next one in this series before I start kicking small animals.

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