ImageAnyone with a brain knows that this won’t happen until next season.

Over the course of this NBA season, many here in the Chicagoland area have hotly debated and speculated over the soap opera that is Derrick Rose’s playing status. Here’s the thing: there shouldn’t be a debate. He’s not coming back, and he never was this season. I’ve been saying that since November.

Now, the latest idiocy comes from Alex Kennedy at Hoops World, who put together a flimsy-at-best report on how Derrick Rose “may suit up in Game 3” of this current Eastern Conference Semifinals series against Miami. Bleacher Report picked this garbage up to the surprise of absolutely nobody, but now a few legitimate journalism entities are actually reporting on this. Are you serious? Because we love to rip apart the writing of others here at DCIAB instead of actually writing our own material, here is the report, line-by-line, with my comments:

Throughout the season, many have wondered why the Chicago Bulls haven’t ruled out Derrick Rose and put an end to the speculation that he would return before the start of next year.

The reason they’ve kept the possibility open is because they genuinely believe that Rose may be able to make his season debut at some point, possibly as early as Game 3 against the Miami HEAT.

It definitely has everything to do with the fact that they think he might be able to play against the “HEAT” (nice random all caps in the middle of your report, by the way; top notch journalism) and nothing to do that they would like to deflect all of the blame for not playing onto Rose himself. There is absolutely nothing stopping the Bulls from saying that Rose is “shut down” and then playing him anyway. However, leaving it up in the air gives the impression that Rose is actively choosing to not play. Maybe this is the case; maybe it isn’t. But the conclusions that people are jumping to are unfair. Give the Bulls some credit though for finding a neat way to keep their hands clean of all this while their fallen star takes the blunt of the blow from fans. Classy work by Reinsdorf and company.

“Word out of Chicago is that Rose may suit up for Game 3, which will be played this Friday. Suiting up doesn’t guarantee that Rose will play, but being in uniform on the bench rather than donning a suit would be a step forward for the 24-year-old. Nothing has been confirmed at this point, but it’s a possibility.”

“Word out of Chicago”? What does that even mean? Who is saying this “word”? Did this author bumble down Rush Street past the bars and happen to hear some drunk patrons murmuring about how Rose might suit up? The ambiguity here is obnoxiously stupid. Couple that with the fact that he says Rose “may suit up,” and that it “doesn’t guarantee that Rose will play,” and that “nothing has been confirmed at this point.” What you have here is a lowly “journalist” looking for some attention while trying to protect himself as much as possible when his idiotic report is false. Derrick Rose may play, and I may grow wings and fly to Hoops World HQ and hit Alex Kennedy over the head with the laptop he used to write this garbage. But keep in mind, neither of those things are confirmed yet.

The Bulls have taken a beating during this postseason. Kirk Hinrich is out with a calf injury, Luol Deng is sidelined with spinal tap complications and Nate Robinson is playing through pain after receiving 10 stitches in his lip in Game 1.

If Rose suits up in Game 3, he would be available in case of emergency. He hasn’t played since tearing his ACL in the first round of last year’s playoffs. Game 3 will be played in Chicago, so if Rose is able to suit up it would be in front of the home crowd.

Standard stuff you’ve gotten used to seeing in every article written on Rose’s potential return, talking about the Bulls’ injuries and how Rose would return on his home floor. Let’s move on.

Doctors cleared the superstar point guard two months ago and he has been practicing with the team, so it’s realistic to think that the former MVP is ready to contribute, even if he’s just playing limited minutes off of the bench.

Something that no one is talking about here is that the doctors that cleared him are Bulls team doctors; professional sports team doctors have a history of putting what is best for the team ahead of what is best for the injured athlete. Also, I’m glad that Kennedy can tell us what is realistic to expect from a player that hasn’t played in a real game in over a year who is suddenly thrown into a playoff game against LeBron and his cronies. Rose would probably assert that he would expect some actual journalism from the reports posted over at Hoops World, but Kennedy falls well short of that.

I’m done with this; Rose isn’t playing in Game 3 or ever this season. If Derrick Rose plays Friday, I’ll have Matt take a video of me eating a goldfish alive and I’ll post it on the blog.