I’ve realized that my first two posts on the blog have been pretty arrogant, and as anyone who knows me will tell you, I am pretty arrogant. But I definitely have the ability to see the areas where I don’t quite measure up, so I thought I’d go ahead and start this recurring feature detailing my many shortcomings. Matt could definitely use this as an outlet in the future too because he has a truckload of flaws.

So here now, in a nice list form, is just a small sample of ways that I suck at life:

I can’t cook. Seriously, I’m awful. The only things I can throw together without destroying my faith in humanity are Kraft Mac ‘n’ Cheese (and I’m pretty sure a monkey with a pot could do that) and scrambled eggs. Even with scrambled eggs I almost always end up using the one pan we own that’s not non-stick to make them. This complete lack of a clue doesn’t stop at standard cooking; it definitely extends to baking too. Last year I attempted to make 12 break-n-bake cookies to surprise my girlfriend on her birthday. Again, these were break-n-bakes; you literally just take them out of the tube and put them in the oven. I baked them so long that half of them turned black—and were quickly ticketed for the garbage—while the other half barely remained edible. Not my finest moment.

I still don’t know how to tie a tie. You read that right, folks. I’m 18 years old and I can’t tie a tie. To make matters worse, my dad’s pretty bad at tying them, so each time I have a formal event I have to decide between having a poorly tied tie on the humility of asking a friend or friend’s parent to tie it for me. (Side note: how many times did I say some variety of the word “tie” in the past three sentences? Only eight? It felt like more than that.) The obvious course of action from this would be to just learn how to do this pretty simple act myself already, but, as we’ve already covered, I’m quite lazy. Some would say this is another flaw I could include in this post; I see my laziness as more of an enduring quality than a flaw.

I’m a Cubs fan. Sure, not entirely my fault, but it’s a pretty sad life. I guess it’s still better than joining White Sox fans in the unemployment line or Cardinals fans in their trailer parks though.

My diet is pretty terrible. I should probably go take my metabolism out for a really nice steak dinner because it’s the only thing separating my current 160-pound physique from weighing over 250 pounds. I actually eat taquitos at 7-Eleven. I can’t even say that Big Macs are my guilty pleasure because I don’t really feel guilty about how often I eat them. On top of that, having my huge, time-sucking activity be the school newspaper doesn’t exactly leave me with a lot of excess time to exercise.

I talk about myself too much. 520 words about my flaws only make this one worse. I guess I’ll save the rest for another day.