As a reminder, this is a recurring feature in which we take less-than-thought-out Facebook statuses and put them through a verbal wood chipper. We stress that this is merely for comical purposes and our rage is meant to mock ourselves just as much as the statuses we write about.
So here we go. Just to refresh you, the Dumbass Meter (TM) ranges from 1 (not dumb at all) to 10 (hold on to your hat because there is more unnecessary rage coming than when Jim Everett attacked Jim Rome). As usual, these are unfortunately 100% real Facebook statuses from 100% real people.
I magnetized a sword.
…and theres really no need for any further detail.
You know, I think this guy really does make one intelligent comment here. There really is no need for any further detail. Other than that…yikes. I’m not really sure where to start here. Being a stickler about capitalization and correct punctuation on Facebook would be pretty lame of me, even though those are basic components of any language. This status is pretty much an internet version of those mind-numbingly annoying people who try to make it seem like they don’t want to tell a story when they clearly want you to ask about it. For example, some asshole might walk into a room and say, “Man, I should really consider getting this cut checked out; last night was pretty crazy.” Personally, I’ve learned not to gratify garbage like this, but most people still ask, “What happened last night?” Additionally, does anyone really care about this status? There’s clearly not just no need for any further detail, there was no need for any detail at all in the first place. I file this under “Things So Stupid I Really Don’t Need To Hear About Them”, which sits right next to “Things So Inane I Really Don’t Need To Hear About Them” in my mental filing cabinet. The latter category is why I will never get a Twitter account. Shaq, you’re great, but I really couldn’t care less about what you had for breakfast. I have the same level of concern for this Facebook user’s sword. Let’s move on before I go find a magnetized sword and stab it through my MacBook.
Dumbass Meter: 9/10
Not picking Eifert is going to come back to haunt the Bears. Bummer
Okay, I’m just going to come out and say this one is Matt’s. Here’s the thing: the Bears do have a glaring hole at tight end; that’s absolutely true. But I’m not sure how Jay Cutler would be able to get the ball to his new tight end if he has no time to throw because his offensive line sucks
and he fakes knee injuries so he doesn’t have to take any more hits from the Packers’ pass rush. Make no mistake, this offensive line really sucks. Cutler had to run for his life more last season than white people had to at U.S. Cellular Field. So griping and moaning when your team drafts an offensive lineman with its first round pick instead of a tight end overlooks the main problem. Yes, I’m aware that tight ends do some blocking on the offensive line, but certainly not as much as a guard does. I’m also glad that Bears fans—Matt was certainly not alone in this Eifert sentiment—think they know more about what the Bears need that their paid team of professional scouts does. Really, good for you guys. I think the biggest bummer of all for Bears fans is that the Bears are headed for their couches by January again no matter who management picked.
Dumbass Meter: 6/10
God it’s a shame when I can’t go hear good music cause I’m not 21…
It really is a shame that there is literally not one artist who you consider to make “good music” who plays concerts for all ages. That would be a pretty sad life existence. Let’s all feel some sympathy for this Facebook user for a little bit. Out of the hundreds of thousands of musical groups that perform live in the United States of America, there is not ONE group that this user considers to be good that plays concerts for all ages. It’s a shame that he’s never going to be able to see these groups. Oh wait, unless he only likes two or three bands on the planet, there must be a few that he enjoys that would play a concert for all ages. On top of that, he has to wait just about three years until he turns 21. I think he’ll live until then. And he says that he can’t “hear” good music until he’s 21. Is he not allowed to use iTunes? I can go hear any music I could possibly want to hear right this instant and I’m only 18. Look, we’re all at an age where we can’t do certain things that we may want to because we’re a few years short of being able to legally do so. But not all of us take to Facebook and act like it’s some personal agenda against us. This user could always just take a two-by-four and knock himself into a three year coma if he’s really this annoyed by the standard rules of society. He could attend any concert he desired when he woke up.
Dumbass Meter: 7/10
When was the last time you hit the road without knowing your destination?
The ambiguous, pseudo-inspirational bullshit statuses always get me going. This status is essentially saying, “When is the last time you decided to get into a vehicle in order to waste your time and gas money while creating the small probability that you could become seriously injured or die in a car accident literally just for the purpose of driving around?” Excuse me while I go throw up. The entire point of driving a car is getting from point A to point B, not randomly zig-zaging through the streets of your hometown in a pathetic attempt to find the meaning of life. Let’s wrap this up with just one more; I can’t take much more of this.
Dumbass Meter: 8/10
That moment when you’re holding a book you’re reading and you have a thought.
You shift it into your other hand,
And hold it up to the sky.
“AT LAST! MY RIGHT ARM IS COMPLETE AGAIN!”
I…I don’t even know.
Dumbass Meter: 10/10