Picture 10
These losers should prepare to be disappointed again in a week or two.

As you may already know, our beloved Chicago Blackhawks are headed to the Stanley Cup Finals to take on the Boston Bruins. Yesterday, SB Nation’s Bruins blog posted a blog post entitled “Stanley Cup Final 2013: Why you absolutely shouldn’t cheer for Chicago“, a series of tidbits about why neutral fans should hate everything about Chicago and the ‘Hawks. I dignify this heap of garbage with a link only so you can take a look at it before I tear it to pieces. I’ll also pull out quotes before I talk about them in my post, but I won’t be able to hit everything because the volume of stupidity here is far too vast. As for our friends in Boston, they should take heed. Before the start of the Western Conference finals, LA Kings bloggers published a couple posts ripping on Chicago and the ‘Hawks and that worked out pretty poorly for them. Anyway, on to the fun.

They call themselves the “Windy City” but uh excuse me science begs to differ. Oh look which city is ACTUALLY in the top 20 windy cities in the country, though…

They’re smaller than Toronto and they’re incredibly self-conscious about it.

The post starts out with quite a doozy. A factually incorrect doozy I might add. Wow, congrats dipshit! You pointed out that Chicago isn’t literally all that windy! Would you like your trophy now or sent in the mail? Any Chicagoan can tell you that the term “The Windy City” comes from Chicago’s less than honest politicians, not physical wind. Sure, you can mock us for our sketchy politics, but at least get that right and don’t forget that male-prostitute hiring Barney Frank came from Massachusetts. While this little fact about our climate is shockingly stupid and completely irrelevant, it only gets worse from here. I’d suggest fastening your seatbelt if you haven’t done so already.

As for us being smaller than Toronto, sure we are, sitting at a tiny population of 2.7 million people. Want to know the population of Boston? 625,000. 625,000!!!!!! Seriously? That’s less than one quarter of the population of Chicago. The following cities all have more people living in them than Boston and represent only a small sample of the full list: San Antonio (TX), Detroit (MI), San Jose (CA), Jacksonville (FL), Austin (TX), Memphis (TN). If you’re smaller than Memphis and Austin, you don’t even deserve to be called a major city. Seriously, Boston isn’t even ten times as big as Evanston for God’s sake. Get over yourself.

They’ve bastardized two Great American Foods: the hot dog (ketchup, mustard, meat, and bread vs this monstrosity. Raw tomatoes are the devil’s fruit and don’t belong anywhere near the deliciousness that is a hot dog) and pizza (sauce goes on the INSIDE, fools. If I can’t eat it with my hands vs. a knife and fork, it’s NOT PIZZA.) For those atrocities alone, they should be made to involuntarily secede from America.

Chicago is known for drinking copious amounts of Malort. What does Malort taste like?Remember: they are PROUD of this. As a good friend of mine once said: “Malort tastes like snakes.” That is not something to be proud of. That is gross.

So you’re coming after our food and beverage preference as a reason to cheer against our hockey team. That’s logical. Let’s start with this blogger’s take on our food: it’s just plain insane. Deep dish is better than any pizza that you can find anywhere else. If it weren’t, why would thousands of tourists stop at Uno’s or Lou’s ever year? Why would Giordano’s make so much money sending pizzas across the country to eager people who want the best pizza in the world but can’t have it near them because they sadly don’t live in the Chicago area (wouldn’t that be a sad existence). Also, raw tomatoes are very healthy and contain lycopene, which is quite useful for helping to reduce the risk of prostate cancer for men in addition to countless other health benefits. Have fun calling it “the devil’s fruit” and getting cancer.

As a just-graduated high school student, I really can’t speak to any liquor outside of Busch Light, so I’ll stay away from the Malort. But I will say, wow, your beloved Sam Adams is doing quite shitty recently. Nice work, fellas.

The Chicago accent is stupid sounding. Conversely, the Boston accent is the greatest.

As friend of the blog Mike Rosenberg so eloquently said, “Saying that ‘the Boston accent is the greatest’ automatically discredits you as a human being.” I couldn’t agree more.

The Cubs and the White Sox are garbage. At least our dumb baseball team broke their big stupid curse. Also Wrigley Field smells like pee.

Fine, you got us. Once. But saying Chicago baseball sucks is way too easy of a target. That’s as easy as saying that the year the Boston Red Sox broke their curse, they were all more juiced than a squeezed orange. But hey, that’s just Manny being Manny.

Patrick Kane is a drunk little troll who beats up cab drivers and has terrible hair. You may argue, Blackhawks fans, that Adam McQuaid has also sported a mullet in the past. The difference here: would you tell McQuaid to his face that his hair looks stupid? Not unless you want your face rearranged. Patrick Kane, not so much.

Hm, you mean the Patrick Kane that’s now eliminated two teams from the playoffs with a hat trick and scored the Stanley Cup clinching goal in overtime of Game 6 in 2010? And the Patrick Kane that made former Bruins goaltender Tim Thomas throw a hissy fit and break his stick into pieces when he scored the shootout winner at the United Center against the Bruins in 2009? Who even is Adam McQuaid, you might ask? Well, he’s a fourth year defenseman on the Bruins with a whopping two playoff goals in his career, averaging under 15 minutes of ice time in the 2013 playoffs. Yes, let’s display our vast hockey knowledge by comparing Patrick Kane to Adam McQuaid and then saying McQuaid has more of a right to do what he wants with his hair because he’s a goon. That’s nice logic. Talk to me when McQuaid does more than lumber around the ice like a dinosaur on skates.

Should I open the can of worms that is their terrible awful logo? Should I further open the bigger can that is the gross blog logos it’s inspired?

I’ve been letting the horrific mutilation of the English language go to this point, but it’s clear that this blogger–like most Bostonians–is barely literate. “The gross blog logos [it is] inspired”? Are you in fourth grade? Anyway, here is the typical “THE BLACKHAWKS AND THEIR FANS ARE RACISTS!” card. That’s really original. Again, it would be great to fact check here. The Blackhawks are named after the 86th Infantry Division of the US Army that fought in World Wars I and II. Looking specifically at the logo, it is not a racist cartoon of a generic Native American (we have the Cleveland Indians for that), but a portrait of Black Hawk, a Sauk tribe leader who fought valiantly against aggresive settlers in the area that is now Rock Island, Illinois in the late eighteenth century. The logo is meant to honor him, not belittle Native Americans.

Futhermore, is Boston really a city that should be talking about racism? Are you serious right now? Boston is disgustingly racist and by far the most racist US city north of the Mason-Dixon line. This makes me feel sick to talk about, let’s wrap this up.

Boston is a city of obnoxious, ego-driven lunatics. While it certainly doesn’t approach the appalling vanity of those from Los Angeles (thankfully we’re done with them), the horrific accent does make it seem all that much worse. Chicago is the best city the United States, far more clean and comfortable than New York and we don’t even need to talk about all that’s wrong with LA. Boston isn’t even in the conversation. We have the better city and the better hockey team and the Stanley Cup will be heading down Michigan Avenue atop a parade bus in a couple short weeks.

Boston sucks.

Let’s go ‘Hawks.