Weekly disclaimer: In case I have been actually offending people with the content of these posts, every installment of this feature and all the jokes contained within it are simply that—jokes. The humor is intentionally way over the top and I do not mean to actually demean any institution of higher learning. Make no mistake, I want to make you feel bad about your football team at times. However, your degree and the school you attend is always something to be proud of and I certainly would never tell you otherwise in seriousness. Now that we got that out of the way, let’s get to the offensive stuff, shall we?
Well, we’re pretty much midway at the college football regular season. While it seems like we know a lot about the teams at the top, keep in mind at this point last year everyone was singing the praises of inevitable Heisman winner Geno Smith and had illusions that—even though they had beaten nobody and had close games with some decisively average teams—Ohio State was on par with the Alabamas and Oregons of the world. What’s that? People still think that this year? Just wait until they go undefeated to the BCS Championship Game because the best team left on their schedule is Michigan (LOL) and lose to Oregon by eleventy-five. Let’s run the weekly reminder.
As a reminder, this is a weekly feature, publishing every Thursday during the season. Matt, Bob and I pick five games each week: the games from each of our schools (Illinois, Northwestern and Miami, respectively) and a couple national games. Anyone is invited to pick with us in the comments and we’ll throw the standings of the peanut gallery up each week. We really appreciate how many people have decided to actually prove to themselves that they’re just not as good as we are at picking college football games. Let’s look back at last week!
Fans of the Washington Huskies were just the latest to duck for cover as Oregon (-14) came to town. The boys from Eugene put on a show, piling up points with ease and making their rivals from Seattle wonder just how the duck to stop these guys. Some may tell me to slow my roll on Oregon and remember their letdown at home against Stanford last season. I would say that’s a Cardinal sin and that the Ducks truly are all they’re quacked up to be. I’m just saying that you should throw a few bills on Oregon doing big things this year. Ducks, man. Ducks!
And it’s that time once again! Here it is: it’s nobody’s favorite weekly feature, the WHY THE %#&@ IS THIS TEAM RANKED?!?! RANKINGS! You can call this a non-power rankings of sorts, listing the Top 3 teams in the AP Top 25 that make you want to ask the voters just what the hell they are smoking. This week’s WHY THE %#&@ IS THIS TEAM RANKED?!?! RANKINGS:
- The entire Big 12 OKLAHOMA!! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!?!?! Going into the Notre Dame game I felt that the Sooners were ridiculously overrated and just when I started buying in they get absolutely steamrolled by the rotting carcass of Mack Brown. AND THEY’RE STILL RANKED 18TH!! WHAT THE %#&@?!?!?! Oklahoma State is still sitting there at 21 just to piss me off. Thankfully no other teams in the conference received any votes—WAIT, WHAT? SOME POLLSTERS ACTUALLY VOTED TEXAS INTO THEIR TOP 25? I’m not going to come out and say that these people should be rounded up and publicly executed, but they might want to lay low for a little while. Jesus the Big 12 sucks.
- The entire Big Ten aside from Ohio State and Wisconsin Hey look the voters actually got this one right…sort of. Michigan, Nebraska and Michigan state sit 1, 2 and 3, respectively, in the “others receiving votes” category so they’re poised to hop right back in next week. When this happens I actually might throw my computer out of my 12th-floor dorm room window. Sorry to my old favorite team, but Michigan %#&@ing sucks. They are absolutely terrible. I really thought they were over the whole beat Notre Dame and get all excited before going 2-6 in the Big Ten thing when they kicked Rich Rod to the curb, but they may just be heading there this season. The Wolverines are lucky to not be 3-3 with losses to Akron and UConn. Nebraska and Michigan State aren’t quite as awful, but they’re certainly not Top 25 worthy until they actually play like a Top 25 team for a couple of weeks. Jesus the Big Ten sucks.
- Alabama Just kidding. Fresno State The Bulldogs are up to 17 now! Can’t wait to see them run the incredibly difficult gauntlet of UNLV, San Diego State and Niles West High School in the upcoming weeks. Jesus the CSL South sucks.
- Not quite in the Top 3, but still pissing me off: #8 Louisville (I guess they should be ranked, but #8?!?! What have they done to merit this?)… the Big 12 being a BCS AQ conference…#24 Auburn…the Big Ten even pretending to field football teams anymore… #23 Northern Illinois…okay seriously why the %#&@ is Michigan first in the “others receiving votes” category? [Bob ED: How the hell is Miami being in the top ten not in this??? Yes, they beat a very good Florida team, but that win was a complete joke. Anyone would be lying if they said Miami looked impressive in that game. Now who else have they played? Anyone? Buehler? The sad thing is, they’re not going to play another real team until November. Don’t get me wrong, they’re a good team, but top ten?]
In games we picked aside from Oregon-Washington, Missouri (+9) stomped whatever’s left of Georgia at this point in a game that also saw Mizzou QB James Franklin get knocked out for possibly the season. Yay for pyrrhic victories!! Wisconsin (-10.5) reminded everybody that this year’s team is just the same old Northwestern everybody knows and loves. (But remember they’re always happy to tell us, “It’s alright, it’s okay, we’re going to be your boss someday!” Yep, that’s right, NU’s classic chant mocking everyone else’s intelligence is grammatically incorrect. Unless of course the entire student body collectively plans to act our boss in the future, which I highly doubt they meant. I realize I’m picking nits here, but if you’re going to be an arrogant smartass, at least be smart about it. [Bob ED: We actually say, “You’re going to drive my car someday,” which makes sense]) LSU (-7) impressed with a dominant defensive effort against Florida. Penn State (-3) won what’s being called “The Game of the Year in College Football” by a bunch of dimwits. That game was easily in the top five (bottom five?) of the worst played college football games I’ve ever seen in my life, but because it went four overtimes it’s suddenly an “instant classic.” No, it wasn’t. Penn State sucks and Michigan sucks. Call me when either of those teams has an offense from this century. You know what, just let me know when anybody in the Big Ten is ready to make any noise on a national level. Even Ohio State hasn’t won a bowl game since Terrell Pryor’s junior season. Let’s get to the standings before I make the entire Midwest hate me as much as the South already does.
- Bob 21-13-1
- Harry 19-15-1
- Matt 19-15-1
And the peanut gallery! Standings are listed by total wins, not winning percentage.
- Michael W 18-16-1
- Thomas Bechtel 15-9-1
- Creed Tucker 15-15
- Return of the GPAB 11-18-1
- Arnim “I’m sitting at .500 but I totally would be in first place if I had started from Week 1” Whisler 7-7-1
- Andrew Kelley 7-12-1
- Ben Greene 7-12-1
- mdrose16 5-5
- Nik Valdiserri 5-10
Here are the five games for this week. Since #10 Miami plays tonight, we’re going to leave them off the slate for this week so people have time to get their picks in by Saturday. As always, the lines come from Vegas Insider and all game times are eastern.
Minnesota at Northwestern (-12.5), Noon, ESPN2
Gophers! Wildcats! ES—just kidding, I’m back and actually writing this week. The ‘Cats look to bounce back from a road date with the destructive buzz-saw that was the Wisconsin Badgers last week in front of their home fans at Ryan Field. Gophers coach Jerry Kill remains on a leave of absence to try to improve his health and we certainly won’t make any jokes about epilepsy here. All of us here at DCIAB wish Coach Kill and his family the best and hope the coach recovers as soon as possible. [Edit from Matt: Alright, who killed Harry and replaced him with somebody capable of sympathy?]
#9 UCLA at #13 Stanford (-5.5), 3:30, ABC/ESPN2
The warning signs for Stanford were there. Utah had narrowly lost to UCLA earlier this year in a game where their starting quarterback had the flu and threw six (SIX!!) interceptions. But the Cardinal just weren’t ready and thus this week’s tilt with the Bruins loses some of its luster. Still two very good teams, though, and Stanford has a shot to get back in the national title picture if the Cardinal can win here and beat Oregon later this year.
#24 Auburn at #7 Texas A&M (-13), 3:30, CBS
Johnny Football is still a dick, but boy is he entertaining to watch. Meanwhile, Auburn is ranked?!?!?! WHY?
#25 Wisconsin (-13) at Illinois, 8, Big Ten Network
Wow the two Big Ten schools in Illinois both have incredible home schedules this year. Northwestern draws Ohio State, Michigan State and Michigan, and Illinois hosts Wisconsin, Michigan State and Ohio State. It’s a great year for Matt and Bob to watch some quality road opposition beat their schools live! [Bob ED: One of these games has happened already, and while NU lost, it was one of the greatest sports weekends I’ve been a part of, as documented on this blog. Hope you’re having fun with Savannah State]
#5 Florida State (-3) at #3 Clemson, 8, ABC
#ACC4Lyfe!!! I know I’m supposed to hate Jameis Winston because he plays for FSU and all…but…like….
I CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE I LOVE JAMEIS WINSTON SOMEBODY PLEASE KILL ME I CAN’T BELIEVE I JUST WROTE THAT AIIIYYYAAIIIIII LET’S GET TO THE PICKS BEFORE I SAY ANYTHING MORE TO INCRIMINATE MYSELF
Already written more than 1,600 words this week so I’ll make these quick.
MINN vs NU The ‘Cats should bounce back pretty easily and roll in this one. I definitely don’t believe they’re as good as they played against Ohio State, but they’re also not as bad as they played last Saturday. Somewhere in the middle of that should be enough to cover this spread. *Annoying growling noise they play at Ryan Field after big plays* -12.5
UCLA vs STAN Ahhh, this one is really tough. I believe on a neutral field that UCLA is the better team, but home field does mean so much in college football. Nevertheless, I’ll stick to my guns and ride the Westwood wave. UCLA +5.5
AUB vs TAMU WHY THE %#&@ IS AUBURN RANKED?!?!? At the same time, Texas A&M has no defense so this line in 3.5 points too high. Auburn +13
WISC vs ILL This one is also incredibly difficult for me, but I trusted Illinois to cover a double digit spread against Nebraska and they failed me badly. I can’t let the Illini keep hurting me like this. Bucky -13
Spending The Weekend With My Girlfriend Being More Enjoyable Than Watching College Football (+1700)
Her Thankfully Not Knowing What +1700 Means In That Context (-600)
Her Reading This And Making Me Explain What It Means (-550)
OVER 2.5 Days Of Back Pain Felt After Being Relegated To The Couch For The Weekend
FSU at CLEM WINSTONNNNN! WE’RE NOT WORTHY! WE’RE NOT WORTHY! WE’RE NOT WORTHY! FSU -3
Last Week: 1-4
MINN vs NU Admittedly, my confidence is this team is shattered after being there to witness what took place in Madison last Saturday. What people don’t seem to be talking about is Colter and Mark hardly played after the first five minutes due to injuries. They’re kinda good. Not to mention Sean McEvilly, the key to the ‘Cats’ line, missing another game and allowing another runningback to run all over them. With that said, I have not seen a Northwestern team look so flat in years, and thank god they have an easy (hopefully) home win to bounce back after last week. I thought about taking the points, but then I remembered the Gophers lost to Iowa by 16 in Minneapolis and a shaky Michigan by 29. Northwestern -12.5
UCLA vs STAN UCLA has to travel to Eugene seven days after playing in Palo Alto??? Holy shit. The Bruins are looking for revenge after losing to Stanford twice last year, plus they know they won’t beat Oregon, so reasonably all of their eggs will be in this Saturday’s basket. I am hoping that the two Stanford victories last year are a sign that the Cardinal are the better squad, that the home crowd in Palo Alto can give Stanford a boost, that Stanford’s loss last week is a great opportunity to show them what they can work on, and that my gut feeling that Stanford is the better team will be correct. I literally had Stanford typed out, but I have to come back. I don’t like that I’m giving up so many points in a game that could really come down to the wire, especially when UCLA has had weeks to prepare and last week saw exactly how to beat the Cardinal. I also like the chances of Stanford winning and failing to cover. UCLA +5.5
AUB vs TAMU Someone decided Auburn is good? Before I make my pick, it’s worth putting out there that A&M has had a couple consecutive shaky weeks, and Manziel had a knee injury last week. However, they’re coming back home after two road games that were not cake walks, plus Nick Marshall missed all of last week’s game with a knee injury. I am confident Texas A&M will win this game, so I’ll take Tex– wait, the line is 13? Wow. The Aggies just beat Arkansas by 12 and then Ole Miss by 3, and Auburn is actually a decent football team, unlike the other two. I can’t give up so many points here. Auburn +13
WISC vs ILL Not only did Northwestern play awfully last week, but Wisconsin looked really really good in their own right. That is a very well-coached, finesse football team that has lots of explosiveness in the backfield. I still think Illinois is a pretty decent team, but I was very impressed by Wisconsin last week. If they keep playing like that, they will be a tough beat for anyone– and far, far better than Nebraska, who, with its backup quarterback, beat Illinois by 20. Wisconsin -13
My Acing My Midterm Despite Not Studying Right Now +400
My Getting Booted from Some Publication Because of My Recent Social Media Actions +230
Matt Getting His Picks and Reasonable Analysis Done by Noon on Thursday -180
FSU vs CLEM Umm, why is Harry sucking Jameis Winston’s presumably monstrous dick when Tajh Boyd has a currently larger one? [ED Matt: Take a moment, reader, and let that sentence sink in.] We have the whole Florida-State-having-a-week-off-while-Clemson-almost-got-beat thing going here, which helps… I have no fucking idea. All I know is, I saw Clemson look really dangerous against a great Georgia team week one, and the home-field advantage at Death Valley is enormous. I am scared, however, that Clemson won’t be able to attack Florida State as easily as they could Georgia. Florida State had a week off to watch Boston College take Clemson into the fourth quarter. Florida State beat Clemson last year… I just can’t take a freshman quarterback in primetime in that environment to beat Tajh Boyd and Sammy Watkins in a shootout. Clemson +3
Last Week: 1-4 (first week below .500 so far, yeesh)
Won a single game back on these guys last week, and I’ve finally crawled back out of last place. I know you’re all rooting for me, so let’s win this week too.
MINN vs NU I think Bob made the most important statement about this game earlier. Minnesota completely controlled the time of possession in the first half against Michigan and they were able to keep it close. Once the second half came around, even a good-not-very-good Michigan team was strong enough to blow out the Gophers. As long as Northwestern can stop Minnesota from running down their throat, the ‘Cats should have no problem covering this spread at home. Northwestern -12.5 (Northwestern 31, Minnesota 13)
UCLA vs STAN While UCLA is certainly not a bad team by any stretch of the imagination, their only decent win was against a scrambling Nebraska on the road; a game in which they were beaten soundly at the beginning before Nebraska collapsed. Again, I’m not saying UCLA is a bad team, but they haven’t quite proven to me that they can contend with the big boys. Stanford was able to hold off what I believe is a better (than UCLA, that is) Washington team at home, and they should be able to win this one by enough to cover. Stanford -5.5 (Stanford 27, UCLA 21)
AUB vs TAMU Time to go full Harry for a moment: why on earth is Auburn ranked right now? They were handily beaten by LSU on the road. That’s not a bad thing, but they failed to take advantage of their best opportunity for a signature win early in the season. They barely scraped by bad Mississippi State and Washington State teams at home, and their only decent victory was at home, by eight, against Ole Miss (a team that is just too young at this point to get a big win). Auburn doesn’t deserve to be ranked over a team like Michigan State, which has a top three defense in the country and an improving offense. That being said, Texas A&M struggled to put away both Arkansas and Ole Miss, both teams worse than Auburn this year. For that reason and that reason only, I think that this is just too many points to give away. Auburn +13 (Texas A&M 38, Auburn 28)
WISC vs ILL This one is gonna be so ugly. I’m excited to be in Memorial Stadium for the Orange-Out this Saturday night (our only night game!), but this game is going to be an absolute massacre. Wisconsin ran all over Northwestern’s defense last weekend, and Illinois’ is considerably worse than that. Even on the road, there’s no way I’m not taking Wisconsin to beat this spread, and it’s not because I think Illinois is a bad team: they are just a bad defense facing an incredible run game. Wisconsin -13 (Wisconsin 49, Illinois 20)
Me not living through this week -300
Bob not doing things to Skip Bayless’s Face that he allegedly said he would for the next 10-15 years (-90750)
Me falling back another game or two in the standings this week (-130)
FSU vs CLEM While I was hesitant to crown Jameis Winston the champion of the world after destroying a horrific Pitt team in week one, he proved his worth to me against an average Maryland squad, going 23/32 for 393 yards and 5 touchdowns in a 63-0 (!!!) win. Maryland beat West Virginia 37-0, and West Virginia beat Oklahoma State by nine, so technically FSU would beat a solid Oklahoma State team by 109 points (this is how sports works according to many fans, just so you confused readers know). Clemson is also a great team, but I’m not sure their much-improved defense can hold up against the explosive Seminole offense (and I believe the FSU D is good enough to get a few stops). For that reason, I’m taking Florida State to win a great game in The Other Death Valley. Florida State -3 (Florida State 38, Clemson 33)
As a quick note, my apologies for this coming out a few hours later than normal. It’s been an extremely busy week for me, and I didn’t have any open time to write until my morning classes were over today (Thursday). This shouldn’t be a recurring problem for me, and it’ll come back out next week slightly earlier in the day as usual. I hope you guys enjoyed this week as always, and I promise I’ll come back spitting fire next week after the Illini take down the mighty Badgers (lol).
Last week: 2-3