Weekly disclaimer: In case I have been actually offending people with the content of these posts, every installment of this feature and all the jokes contained within it are simply that—jokes. The humor is intentionally way over the top and I do not mean to actually demean any institution of higher learning. Make no mistake, I want to make you feel bad about your football team at times. However, your degree and the school you attend is always something to be proud of and I certainly would never tell you otherwise in seriousness. Now that we got that out of the way, let’s get to the offensive stuff, shall we?
So hey, it’s Wednesday and this weekly rag is out. I know you’re confused and you probably have no idea what to do with yourself. You may be going into denial and indignantly insisting that you’re reading DCIAPC so it must be Thursday. Maybe you’re convinced you’ve gone crazy and you’re busting down every door on your floor with an axe screaming, “HEEEEEEERE’S JAMEIS!” (That is the line, right?) Everyone, calm down. It’s okay; this isn’t a mistake. The Thursday night games were simply too tasty to pass up this week and we wanted to give an extra day for everyone to get his or her picks in. This breaks the rules, you say? Well there’s one rule with the Don’t Call It A Picks Competition: we make the rules! And like a third grade girl who constantly adapts a game she’s playing with her older brother because she keeps losing, we can change the rules midseason whenever we want. LET ANARCHY REIGN! In fact, this week, instead of picking five games we’re going to pick SEVEN BECAUSE WE CAN! MWAHAHAHAHA. (Note: we’re not actually doing that; it will be five games as always.) [ED Bob: Oh, good. I got nervous for a second.]
As a reminder, this is a weekly feature, publishing every Thursday (OR WEDNESDAY BECAUSE WE FEEL LIKE IT AND WE CAN AND YOU’LL SHUT UP AND LIKE IT) during the season. Matt, Bob and I pick five games each week: the games from each of our schools (Illinois, Northwestern and Miami, respectively) and a couple national games. Anyone is invited to pick with us in the comments and we’ll throw the standings of the peanut gallery up each week. Shockingly, most of you are actually doing worse than me so you should really get your act together.
In case you missed it, I posted this column reviewing my visit to Florida State for last weekend’s Miami game on Monday night. I posted it in lieu of a writeup here, so head over there if you haven’t read it yet.
It’s time for the weekly rundown of the BCS Top 25! Who’s ranked too high? How about too low? And who did the voters peg correctly? The following is not exact—if a team is within a few spots of where I think they should be I pegged them just right—and is my opinion. If you disagree, feel free to show everyone why you are wrong with your reasoning in the comments. I’d also like to state that my analysis is based of off where a team SHOULD BE RANKED, not how good they are. Without further ado:
The Bob Marley Group (Too high!)
- #4 Ohio State Sorry, crushing Purdue doesn’t convince me they’re a Top 5 team. [ED Bob: Back to back weeks of Alabama-esque beatdowns. I’m totally fine with this ranking.]
- #5 Stanford I’m still confused why they’re this high. Their loss is much worse than every one-loss team directly below them. Well, aside from…
- #10 Oklahoma They’ll get a chance to prove themselves against Baylor, but this ranking is too high for now.
- #11 Miami They played Florida State pretty well all things considered, but that Wake Forest game is still troubling.
- #12 South Carolina Okay, I know they beat Mizzou, but the rest of what they’ve done doesn’t really warrant a ranking this high.
- #16 Fresno State/#18 Northern Illinois Look at the teams these guys are ranked ahead of. I’m quite confident they wouldn’t beat any of them.
The Soulja Boy Group (Too low!)
- #6 Baylor I refuse to accept this squad being ranked below Ohio State and Stanford. Lunacy.
- #19 UCLA Their only losses came to the #3 and #5 teams in the nation. They should be much higher.
- #20 Louisville/#21 UCF/NR Houston This trio of AAC title contenders are all certainly better than NIU and Fresno State based on the teams’ performance to this point.
- #24 Wisconsin They’ve stomped everyone they’ve played aside from a close loss at Ohio State and an impressive win at Arizona State. (Yes, they won that game.)
The Goldilocks Group (Just right!)
- #1 Alabama/#2 Florida State/#3 Oregon I’d like to reiterate that it’s way too early to get worked up over the whole FSU/Oregon debate. Oregon and Alabama both have very challenging games ahead.
- #7 Clemson/#8 Missouri/#9 Auburn All good one-loss teams.
- #13 LSU/#15 Texas A&M Both good two-loss teams.
- #14 Oklahoma State They made an impressive statement at Texas Tech last week. We’ll see if they can keep it up against Baylor and Oklahoma coming up.
- #17 Michigan State If their offense continues to improve, they’ll challenge Ohio State in the Big Ten Championship.
- #22 Arizona State They’re going to be right up with UCLA in the Pac-12 South race until the end.
- #23 Notre Dame No, they’re not very good, but they do have a quality win against Arizona State and a shiny 7-2 record.
- #25 Texas Tech Whatever.
In games we picked last week, Illinois (+10) found a way to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory in State College but still covered the spread. Speaking of snatching defeat from the jaws of victory, poor Northwestern (+7); condolences to Bob and Bobby. Michigan State (-4.5) made a statement and exposed their rivals from Ann Arbor as the poor football team they really are. (It’s not like I have been touting this since the Akron game or anything. Oh wait, yes I have.) Maybe Oklahoma State (+2.5) isn’t as overrated as all of us think. Then again, maybe Texas Tech just sucks; the Big 12 is impossible to figure out. Finally, Florida State (-21.5) outscored Miami 20-0 in the second half to cover the spread after a tight first 30.
Do I really have to show these standings? Yes? Fine.
- Bob 27-22-1
- Matt 27-22-1
- Harry 22-27-1
And the peanut gallery! As always, standings are listed by total wins, not winning percentage.
- Michael W 21-23-1
- Creed Tucker 19-26
- Thomas Bechtel 18-16-1
- Arnim “I’m now under .500 but I would totally be in first if I had started Week 1″ Whisler 14-15-1
- Andrew Kelley 13-16-1
- Ben Greene 13-21-1
- PIZZA CATS 12-22-1
- mdrose16 6-15
- Nik Valdiserri 5-10
- Bobby 2-8
Here are the five games for this week. Northwestern has a bye week, so we’ll pick three national games. The lines come from Vegas Insider, all game times are eastern and rankings reflect the BCS Standings.
#10 Oklahoma at #6 Baylor (-14), 7:30 THURSDAY, Fox Sports 1
If you like points—and don’t we all—then this is appointment television for you. Of course, it’s only appointment television until…
#3 Oregon (-10.5) at #5 Stanford, 9 THURSDAY, ESPN
…this game relegates the previous one to viewing only during commercials. Oregon seems unbeatable, but they did last year too and remember who knocked them off? This one’s going to be worth skipping the Thursday festivities that go on at your institution of
excessive drinking higher learning.
Illinois at Indiana (-9.5), 3:30, Big Ten Network
Man, these picks are just an absolute pointsplosion this week! I can’t imagine the type of offensive fireworks the next couple of games are going to bring to cap it off!
Virginia Tech at #11 Miami (-6.5), 7, ESPN
Never mind. A mentally broken Logan Thomas that’s just a shadow of his former self! A hobbling Stephen Morris that’s been playing on one ankle since Week 3 and missing his best deep threat for the third straight game! Duke Johnson watching in street clothes until 2014! A half-empty Sun Life Stadium kind of getting loud for a few plays in the fourth quarter! The winner gets to be pantsed by Florida State in the ACC Championship Game! FEEL THE EXCITEMENT!
#13 LSU at #1 Alabama (-11.5), 8, CBS
Fighting…urge…to…say…an…offensive…generalization…about…racism…or…incest. How about I link a gif of Les Miles eating grass instead? Good? Good.
Yep, 0-5 for two consecutive weeks. If you want to make a lot of money, I would advise you to just go ahead and bet everything you’ve got on a five team parlay picking against me on each of these. Your odds are pretty good.
OKLA vs BAY I literally had it all typed out just now that 14 points is too much and I can’t quite lay that against what appears to be a solid Oklahoma team, but Baylor’s offense is just so good. I’m laying the points. Baylor -14
ORE vs STAN This game invokes the standard never ever ever ever bet against Oregon rule. You can’t make this line high enough. Oregon -10.5
ILL vs IND Indiana’s defense is so atrocious that I can’t justify laying more than a touchdown, even against a poor Illinois team. Illinois +9.5
VT vs MIA
I’m giving up less than a touchdown with a solid Miami team against Logan Thomas?!? Are you serious?!? There has to be a catch to this; let me check the fine print of this line…oh right Virginia Tech’s defense. They had a tough day against Boston College, but they’ve been elite all year and they’ll bounce back. Miami wins 17-13, Virginia Tech +6.5 covers the spread. As you can see I had VT picked out and everything, but screw it, I need to make up ground in the standings fast and Matt and Bob both picked the Hokies. I’ll amend the score to 20-13 Miami as—contrary to what Matt and Bob seem to think—the Hurricanes have actually found a consistent running attack outside of Duke Johnson. And the whole giving up less than a touchdown against Logan Thomas is still delicious. Canes -6.5
I Go 0-5 For The Third Straight Week (+110)
I Fall Into A Deep Malaise (+210)
In A Desperate Attempt To Seek Out Something I Can Connect With In My Depressed State, My New Favorite Band Becomes My Chemical Romance (+275) [ED Matt: I laughed out loud]
Death And Despair Reign, Crushing Happiness And Childlike Wonder Forever (+510)
Nick Saban Approves Of The Above Development (-654,000,000,000)
LSU vs ALA In my opinion there’s a grand total of two teams in the country that can challenge ‘Bama: Florida State and Oregon, in that order (sorry, Baylor and Ohio State). I looked into it and after some research I have determined that LSU is neither Florida State nor Oregon. Roll Damn Laundry Detergent -11.5
HARRY WENT 0-5 TWO STRAIGHT WEEKS?? Wow. I mean, I’ve gone 2-3 three consecutive weeks after starting off really strong, so I can’t totally talk. But damn, 0-5 two straight. You and Billy Ice should be friends. I’ll shut up before I get all of this week’s picks wrong because I have no idea on any of them as I type this.
OKLA vs BAY This Oklahoma team has proven a few times that it is a good football team, with the exception being the embarrassment at the Texas State Fair in October. The thing is, Oklahoma is just that– a good team. There’s nothing too impressive that they have done. They have beaten some solid teams and have been relatively consistent. The main problem I see is I don’t think a Blake Bell-led offense can keep up with Art Briles and the Bears. These have been some great games in the past couple years, so definitely keep an eye on this one. It may be close for a while, but it’s hard not to take Baylor here. I don’t want to agree with Harry, but sometimes you have to. Baylor -14
ORE vs STAN Oregon is such a great team, and I can’t get myself to pick them to lose against a team I am not totally sure is great. What scares me is Oregon, as good as they have been in the last half-decade, always drop a game, and last year it was this one– at home. I’m going to put my money on Oregon progressing from last year’s team and coming out prepared after a week and a half off to beat the Cardinal on the road. BUT– remember how Oregon only scored fourteen on Stanford last year in more than sixty minutes of action? I take Oregon to win, but not to cover. Stanford +10.5
ILL vs IND So for once, I pick against both Illinois and Northwestern for burning me too many times this year, and last week they BOTH cover. Anyway, it feels really weird to see Indiana favored in a conference game, especially by so many points. I don’t think Illinois can keep up with this Indiana offense, but as has been the case with Illinois this year, it’s really hard to predict how this offense will come out. Regardless, I just feel more confident taking the Hoosiers. Indiana -9.5
VT vs MIA I’m still confused about how Virginia Tech lost its last two games against Duke and Boston College despite Logan Thomas throwing for over 600 yards combined in the two losses that were not even high-scoring. [ED Harry: Bob, there are these things called interceptions that can really set an offense back.] This Virginia Tech defense, teeming with multiple NFL prospects, has been for the most part fantastic, while Miami has struggled to find offense beyond Duke Johnson, who is now out for the year. Stephen Morris made some great passes last week against Florida State, but I don’t think he’s enough to carry the Hurricanes to a win this week. Virginia Tech +6.5
Fuck This Shit (+200)
LSU vs ALA I would take LSU plus the points here normally, but I see Alabama sucking the fun out of this affair and methodically performing bukaki [ED Harry: Dude.] [ED Matt: Dude.] on this LSU defense that is much younger and worse than we are used to seeing, while the #1-ranked Crimson Tide defense reminds Zach Mettenberger that his facial hair is dumb. Alabama -11.5
Last Week: 2-3
I think its quite clear at this point that all of our loving fans are rooting for me to take the lead. While Harry is in a complete tailspin and Bob is referencing absurd sexual acts to prove his points [Bob: Nothing to prove; just providing imagery for the fans] , I have calmly gone into another tie for the lead. Gotta make it quick this week due to multiple projects due tomorrow, but let’s do it up. [Bob: Not sure how that makes you the most support-worthy.]
OKLA vs BAY Harry is going to be right about a pick this week! I see Baylor running away with this one, and I’m not confident enough in Oklahoma to risk going against the other two guys. Baylor -14 (Baylor 45, Oklahoma 28)
ORE vs STAN I will not bet against Oregon. I will not bet against Oregon. I will not bet against Oregon. I will not bet against Oregon. I will not bet against Oregon. I will not bet against Oregon. I will not bet against Oregon. I will not bet against Oregon. I will not bet against Oregon. I will not bet against Oregon. I will not bet against Oregon. I will not bet against Oregon. Oregon -10.5 (Oregon 38, Stanford 23)
ILL vs IND The Illinois defense really stepped up last week against Penn State and the Illini were able to keep it close (as I predicted!) until the heartbreaking overtime letdown. Without having watched the Minnesota/Indiana game, I find it pretty impressive that the Gophers were able to get that win on the road. I don’t believe the Illini will be able to keep up as well as Minny, and Indiana will pull away in the second half. I am a HUGE believer in Indiana’s offense. Indiana -9.5 (Indiana 49, Illinois 31)
VT vs MIA This is a pretty tough pick for me, because Virginia Tech’s defense is very good and Miami just lost the only consistently good part of their team (RB Duke Johnson). This just feels like a weird, turnover-filled game where Miami pulls it out on a lucky play at the end. So yeah. Virginia Tech +6.5 (Miami 23, Virginia Tech 17)
Me Taking The Lead After This Week (-130)
Me Having To Pull An All-Nighter To Finish All My Work AND Wake Up For My 8 AM Class (+109) [Bob: You’re not waking up if it’s an all-nighter sooooooo]
Nobody Caring Except My Mom (Hi Mom, Happy Birthday Week) (-3,975)
ALA vs LSU This falls under a new rule that I’ll make and inevitably break soon: Stick with the top tier teams until they let you down. That’s why I’m picking Baylor, that’s why I’m picking Oregon and that’s why I’m picking Alabama. Roll Damn Racism -11.5 (Racism 34, Racism 17)
Last Week: 3-2