I guess I gave away the big reveal.

Programming note: Before we get started, here’s a shameless bit of self-promotion! Tomorrow (Friday, 11/15) I will be co-hosting Ibis Sports Weekly at noon eastern (that’s 11 AM central time) on WVUM, Miami’s student-run radio station. It’s a high-quality sports talk show on the consistently-voted top college radio station in the country. You can listen live simply by clicking here! (Or go to wvum.org.) We’ll talk UMiami sports, college football and maybe a little NFL if we have time. Onto what you came here for.

Weekly disclaimer: In case I have been actually offending people with the content of these posts, every installment of this feature and all the jokes contained within it are simply that—jokes. The humor is intentionally way over the top and I do not mean to actually demean any institution of higher learning. Make no mistake, I want to make you feel bad about your football team at times. However, your degree and the school you attend is always something to be proud of and I certainly would never tell you otherwise in seriousness. Now that we got that out of the way, let’s get to the offensive stuff, shall we? If you’re offended by the column, tough. I was happy to be nice when we were leading the Coastal and on track for an 11-1 season, but let’s just say all of those fumbles didn’t put me in the best of moods. Neither did waiting for a bus in the pouring rain for 30 minutes outside of Sun Life Stadium after that miserable game. So SEC people, just admit that you think that one cousin of yours is pretty cute, and NOTRE DAME LOL YOU LOST TO PITTSBURGH LOL. Instead of getting mad at me, just go have a good cry with your stupid leprechaun while watching Lou Holtz struggle to say anything coherent on College Football Final as Mark May picks his nose and Rece Davis wonders how on earth ESPN stuck a seasoned pro like himself with those two jamokes. I’M NOT HAPPY RIGHT NOW AND I’M GOING TO MAKE SURE YOU JOIN ME IN MY MALAISE. Let’s run the reminder while I pull myself together to get through the rest of this column.

As a reminder, this is a weekly feature, publishing every Thursday during the season. Matt, Bob and I pick five games each week: the games from each of our schools (Illinois, Northwestern and Miami, respectively) and a couple national games. Anyone is invited to pick with us in the comments and we’ll throw the standings of the peanut gallery up each week. Shout-out to Thomas Bechtel, who pulled into the lead after a 4-1 week.

Instead of posting a recap of last week involving Alabama being good at football, Baylor being good at football, Stanford being good at football or Miami being good at giving Virginia Tech fumbles in a monsoon, let’s dive into a meaningless debate over who should be ranked #3 behind the Galactic Empire Alabama and Florida State. In my mind, the four candidates that should be in the discussion, in alphabetical order, are Baylor, Ohio State, Oregon and Stanford. Because we’re extremely into gimmicks that allow us to make lame jokes here at DCIAB (or maybe that’s just me), here’s an easily digestible table to break it all down. And look, it has emoticons!

 Team

 Baylor

 Ohio State

 Oregon

 Stanford

Are you undefeated?

Yes, sir!

Um, have you seen our schedule?

We ran into a tree 😦

 We ran into some Mormons 😦

Did you blow out the teams you should have?

 Hellllll yeah!

 You mean aside from Northwestern, Iowa and Buffalo?

 We made them look like they were all on quack!

 Pretty much, aside for the Mormons. To be fair, they also gave UCLA and ASU tight games.

Have you beaten, like, anybody?

 We have now!! And we beat the not-so-good teams by at least 50 anyway!

 Wisconsin! What, a fringe Top 20 team isn’t enough? Have you seen Cal’s new uniforms? Slick, man.

 Washington! UCLA! Nicholls State! But in seriousness, we definitely pass here.

Were you busy watching Glee last Thursday?

Any super awesome wins?

 Oklahoma by 29! Everybody else by 70!

 Hey, man, these are some tough questions.

 Washington by 21! UCLA by 28!

 Perhaps you were watching Gray’s Anatomy?

Any really bad losses?

 Losing is for that team over in Austin.

 None! Pretty much losing to winless Northwestern doesn’t count!

 Nope 🙂

 #@&% mormons!

Okay, you should be ranked:  3rd  6th  5th

 4th

Okay, look, I can hear you screaming, “OHIO STATE 6th?!?!? WHAT?!?!” But unlike dumb voters, I don’t fall prey to the recency bias. Baylor should indisputably be ranked 3rd (and the fact that they’re 5th is just mind-boggling), so this is really a debate for 4th between Ohio State, Oregon and Stanford. Since Stanford defeated Oregon pretty soundly head-to-head, I’m comfortable slotting them ahead of the Ducks. So why should OSU be stuck behind both of them? Look at their resumes. Yeah, the Utah loss for Stanford was bad, but it’s offset in my mind by the win over Oregon. So accepting the Cardinal at #4, the choice between Ohio State and Oregon for #5 is a joke in my mind. Again, just look at the resumes. Oregon blew every single team they played out aside from a Top 5 team on the road. Ohio State played down to Buffalo, Northwestern and Iowa. Just because they’re undefeated and Stanford and Oregon aren’t doesn’t mean they deserve a higher ranking. In my mind, the pecking order for the BCS Championship should be (in order):

  1. Alabama
  2. Florida State
  3. Baylor
  4. Theoretical one-loss Alabama team
  5. Stanford
  6. Oregon
  7. Ohio State
  8. Everybody else (including the current teams on the list with one or more additional losses)

Disagree with me? Then learn to watch and analyze college football please.

Moving on, I’m sure this will devastate you, but last week was the final week of the BCS Top 25 analyzation. It was fun while it lasted, but we at DCIAB we like to change things up and make sure nothing gets too stale (again, maybe this is just me). In games we picked last week, Baylor (-14) and Oklahoma played baseball in the first quarter, which ended 5-3 Sooners. After that, Bryce Petty and Co. left no doubt who the best team in the Big 12 is right now. (Although the boys from Stillwater might have a thing to say about that. More on them later.) In the late game Thursday, Stanford (+10.5) exposed that the Ducks were not all they were quacked up to be. Indiana (-10.5) outpaced Illinois by 17 in a minor pointsplosion. Don’t even make me talk about the stupid %@$#ing Virginia Tech (+6.5)-Miami monsoon game. Don’t you just love it when your team decides to give the most important game of their season away? Is this what it feels like to be a Clemson fan? Oh and also Alabama (-11.5), fascism and endless cruelty to college football fans everywhere continued its endless Saban reign.

Folks, I promise that I’m winning our NFL picks pool by a very wide margin. Sadly, the only standings I can display here are these ones:

  1. Bob 32-22-1
  2. Matt 30-24-1
  3. Harry 24-30-1

And the peanut gallery! As always, standings are listed by total wins, not winning percentage. We have a new leader!

  1. Thomas Bechtel 22-17-1
  2. Michael W 21-23-1
  3. Creed Tucker 20-30
  4. Arnim “I’m at .500 but I would totally be in first if I had started Week 1″ Whisler 17-17-1
  5. Ben Greene 16-23-1
  6. PIZZA CATS 16-23-1
  7. Andrew Kelley 13-16-1
  8. Bobby 6-9
  9. mdrose16 6-15
  10. Nik Valdiserri 5-10

Here are the five games for this week. The lines come from Vegas Insider, all game times are eastern and rankings reflect the BCS Standings.

#3 Ohio State (-32.5) at Illinois, Noon, ESPN

Yet another terrible Big Ten team is about to make Ohio State look really good. This is getting old quickly.

#23 Miami (-3) at Duke, 3:30, ESPNU

You think I was pissed at the beginning of this week’s column? Just wait until our defense concedes 850 yards to Duke in a 73-70 loss.

Michigan at Northwestern (-2.5), 3:30, Big Ten Network

The two biggest disappointments in the most disappointing conference in the country square off! Oh goody!

#12 Oklahoma State (-3) at #24 Texas, 3:30, FOX

The Longhorns definitely have a Jekyll and Hyde thing going this season. They’ve shown they’re capable of winning a game like this and they’re also capable of losing by 40. I wouldn’t touch this game with a 1,000-foot pole if we were betting actual money.

#25 Georgia at #7 Auburn (-3.5), CBS

Good test for a somewhat unproven Auburn squad. We’ll see how the Tigers match up.

Harry’s Picks

A 2-3 week is certainly nothing to write home about, but at least I wasn’t 0-5! There will be plenty of bowl games for me to catch up (the plan for now is to pick every bowl game), but the comeback needs to start now if it’s happening.

OSU vs ILL The Buckeyes seem to have finally realized that they need to consistently win impressively to gain respect because of their schedule. I expect that to continue this week; you can’t make this line high enough. THE Lawl-o State University -32.5

MIA vs DUKE This line being this low is a big overreaction to last week’s Miami-VT debacle where the scoreline made the game look like a blowout when it really came down to fumble recovery luck. The ‘Canes have now won a game because of it (Florida) and lost because of it (VT). Miami -3 Now watch Miami lose and me look like a total idiot as I have all season.

MICH vs NU Who do I trust less? Definitely the team that rushed for negative yards against a Nebraska defense that allowed 7 yards per carry to Wyoming. Northwestern -2.5

OKST vs UT While it does make me a little nervous that Texas played so well against Oklahoma and certainly is capable of beating the Cowboys, they’ve been too inconsistent this year for me to even consider picking them against a Top 15 team. Ok State -3

I Hate Myself This Season (-All Of The Points)

UGA vs AUB I’ve picked all favorites to this point, so why not just finish it off? Auburn -3.5

Last week: 2-3 (Not 0-5!!!!!)

Season: 24-30-1

Bob’s Picks

After another 5-0 week from yours truly (I believe it’s my third), I feel like I deserve the right to be an asshole rather than last-place Harry. However, I ain’t about that life. Just know that not all of his opinions reflect those of all of us. [ED Matt: Yes. This.] While we’re doing brief plugs, make sure to check out my column on The Daily Northwestern. It comes out every Wednesday, and it will almost always be some important sports argument. This week, I wrote about the horrifying reality of the concussion problem in the English Premier League. Anyway, to the picks!

OSU vs ILL I’m not sure why Harry discounts Ohio State’s thumping of mediocre Big Ten teams, when that’s basically all Alabama had done before this past Saturday. [ED Harry: It’s not that I totally discount them; I just don’t discount their terrible performances against Northwestern, Iowa and Buffalo either. Alabama didn’t nearly lose to not one but two sub-par football teams. Neither did Baylor, Stanford or Oregon. Here’s a nifty comparison: Ohio State’s one common opponent with Baylor was Buffalo. OSU beat the Bulls 40-20. Baylor the following week? Only 70-13. I’ll let you write your own section again now.][ED Bob: Sorry, I forgot we do transitive property in college football. I also never said anything about them in comparison to Baylor or anyone.] Seeing as Ohio State beat Penn State and Purdue by a combined 105 points, I feel pretty comfortable picking against the Illini again here, as much as I don’t want to. Ohio State -32.5 

MIA vs DUKE Duke has debatably been better than Miami in conference play, but I can’t take the Blue Devils here, especially with a line of only 3. This could be a really close one, but I also wouldn’t be shocked if Miami runs Duke out of town. Harry, don’t make me regret this. [ED Harry: Betting on Miami’s defense is risky business; I claim no responsibility if things go south.] Miami -3

MICH vs NU As bad as Michigan has been this season, I was shocked to see Northwestern favored in this game. I really don’t like the idea of picking Michigan, particularly with Northwestern coming off a bye week and wearing warrior jerseys, but there’s no way I’m taking Northwestern right now. I definitely think that the Wildcats can win this game and give themselves a good shot to qualify for a bowl, but Michigan’s superior talent all around might be too much for Northwestern. I think Gardner might have a field day on this beaten NU secondary, and Treyvon Green is the only real running back who is alive in Evanston. This is painful, but I think it’s the right call. Michigan +3

OKST vs UT I don’t know what this Oklahoma State team is. I don’t know what this Texas team is. Overall, Oklahoma State has proven to be the better team over a larger body of games, while Texas has really only looked impressive versus Oklahoma. The afternoon-into-night slot in Austin worries me a little bit, but I think the Cowboys are the better bet versus the Longhorns. Oklahoma State -3

UGA vs AUB It took a while for us to get here, but this Auburn team has shaped up to be a legitimate contender in the SEC. I loved Georgia early in the year, but since the injuries began to pile up, it has been impossible to trust them. I like Auburn’s confidence here, particularly at home and before a pre-Iron Bowl bye week. Some will call this a trap game, but I like the Tigers here. Auburn -3.5

Last Week: 5-0

Season: 32-22-1

Matt’s Picks

Last week was a average 3-2 affair for the man whom all the readers support (that’s me, but you already knew that). Since Harry’s record has pretty much exploded into flames, death, and destruction the last couple weeks, I’m the only one with a decent chance to take the #1 spot from Bob before the end of the regular season. Unfortunately, we’ve all pretty much reached a consensus on the games this week so I won’t be able to catch up this time. Next week tho…

OSU vs ILL And now for something completely different: PF Cliff Alexander, the #3 high school basketball player in the nation according to 247 Sports will be announcing his commitment on Friday. As I write this Thursday morning, all recent signs have pointed to his joining the Illini. If this happens, I will be happy. Really, really happy. Did I just completely avoid any conversation about a sure-blowout loss for the Illini in football by talking about basketball in classic college sports fan fashion?  Yes. THE Ohio State Place-Where-People-Ain’t-Come-To-Play-School -32.5 (Ohio State 56, Illinois 17)

MIA vs DUKE This is the second-hardest pick of the week in my opinion (next to UM/NU). Duke football is not exactly a nationally-relevant program most years (this season will be their first time ever with back-to-back bowl appearances), so I have yet to watch this team play for more than a few minutes. As a result, I’m following a classic amateur gambler’s strategy and just going with the more familiar and “better” team to cover. Miami -3 (Miami 27, Duke 17)

MICH vs NU How does one choose between two dumpster fires? For Northwestern, injuries to key players have cost them all year on offense and they have yet to win in Big Ten conference play (they should have beaten Nebraska, I’m aware). Meanwhile, Michigan OC Al Borges continues to cost UM with a lack of diverse playcalling, especially in the run game: -49 yards against MSU and -21 against Nebraska’s horrific defense would be embarrassing for an FCS team, let alone UM. Devin Gardner has been sacked so many times on slow-developing pass plays that he looks frightened even on simple 5 step drop-backs. Michigan is a more talented team than Northwestern and they should be able to win this game by fully committing to an air raid offense, but there’s just no way to trust either of these teams. Ultimately, this comes down to picking with my gut and I think it’s more likely that Borges puts together a good-enough gameplan in an attempt to save his job (two straight weeks of negative rushing yards along with several poor performances in the past have even some patient UM fans calling for his head) than it is that Northwestern is able to overcome all their injuries, especially at running back. It pains me to do this, but I’m taking Michigan +3 in an incredibly ugly game. (Michigan 18, Northwestern 15)

OKST vs UT Oklahoma State’s offense is better than Texas’ offense. That’s all that matters in the Big 12 these days. (These two sentences are code for “I want to pick ________ but I’m too lazy to come up with a concrete analysis so I’m just going to mail it in and perhaps follow it up with a generalization about their conference for no real reason.” Basically, what Harry does for every SEC game we pick.) Oklahoma State -3 (Oklahoma State 38, Texas 30)

Me Being Down By Two Games To Bob After This Week -∞

UGA vs AUB Bob did a great job with his analysis for this part and I agree with everything he said, so you should just re-read that. I’m not sure I’d trust Auburn to perform well against an elite team yet (like maybe the next one on their schedule, Alabama), but Georgia just has too many injuries for me to pick them in this game. Auburn -3 (Auburn 31, Georgia 20)

Last Week: 3-2

Season: 30-24-1

Advertisements