It’s been a while since we’ve posted anything in these parts and an even longer time since we’ve done Unnecessary Rage at Dumb Facebook Statuses. If you’d like to go back to a simpler time here on DCIAB, you can check those out here, here and here. Don’t judge us too much. Because we always like to have fun at DCIAB, I’m going to take you back to our roots and make fun of anonymous people on Facebook so I can feel better about my abundant personal flaws. In this edition of my desperate grab for some self-esteem, I’m going to look at some actual posts in various colleges’ Class of 2018 Facebook groups. While I redacted all names and locations to make this as anonymous as possible, I emphasize that these are all 100% real.

Before I start, here’s a quick PSA:

Do you like binge-watching Netflix? Do you enjoy going to college sporting events? Are you more of a night person than a morning person? Would you consider yourself a “work hard, play hard” person who enjoys going out but tries to prioritize schoolwork first? Do you procrastinate from time to time? Congratulations, you are EVERY SINGLE INCOMING COLLEGE STUDENT IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. While completing the absurdly masochistic activity of scrolling for 30 minutes through a few different Class of 2018 Facebook groups, I found that many people seem to think they are unique or desirable because of the above qualifications. If you’re going to post in a group to try to find a roommate or some friends, good for you! But I would suggest actually writing something unique or desirable about yourself. Alright, now let’s get onto some people who made me laugh at them, not with them. 

Hey I’m [redacted] from [reacted major city] and I’m looking for a room mate, inbox or friend me if you want to talk. I will bring a gamecube if that sweetens the deal

Oh cool! Can’t wait to kill time between classes playing timely titles like “Madden ’04” and “Mario Party 6”! This would have been an extreme deal-sweetener…in 2005, when I was in fifth grade. And unless you have a TV to go with that GameCube, it’s just a fancy paperweight.

Hey guys, my name’s [redacted] but everybody calls me Coby (pronounced like Bryant, beef, etc), and I apologize for my profile picture, lol.

Thanks for the clarification on how to pronounce “Coby”. And getting technical for a moment, it’s just incorrect to assert that “Coby” is pronounced like “Bryant”, “beef” or “et cetera”, let alone all three. Accepting that I understand what he was trying to say even though it was wrong, I still don’t understand what the “etc” represents, because there is no natural progression the list could continue to take past “beef”. Moving on, if you feel the need to apologize for your profile picture because it’s humiliating (and I assure you, readers, it is extremely humiliating), why do you have it in the first place?!?!

I take school seriously and will be majoring in Athletic Training, so I’ll want to go to lots of sporting events!

Watching football games from the stands will really help your education!

Hey, I’m an intelligent person that actually plans on going to class and I can’t wait to attend Florida State University this fall!

Fine, fine, I made this one up. I tried to sneak a fake one by you guys but this one was way too conspicuous.

My friend is going to [redacted school in the Midwest] next year, and loves to point out how it’s ranked right above [redacted warm-weather school]. I told her we’ll see if she still thinks it’s better when I’m sending her pictures of palm trees in January.

“HEY EVERYBODY! My friend is going to a better school than I am and is a more diligent student because she chose to go to school in order to get the best education possible instead of tan! Look how intelligently I make major life decisions! I bet you all feel just terrific about attending the same university as me.” (Full disclosure: I go to the University of Miami. But just because it also has palm trees doesn’t mean I didn’t choose it for the right reasons.)

Wat up my niggas!!!! My friends call me E like my boy from Entourage….Still looking for a roommate w/ similar interests who’s tryna kill it at [redacted university] but also knows that they gotta get shit done. Hmu and follow me on instagram

This comes from a white person from an affluent suburb of a major city. For the very few people that haven’t figured this out yet, this is not a good look. If you want to try too hard to appear “ghetto”, at least do it the conventional way and memorize the lyrics of intolerable rap music in an attempt to appear cool.