Miami doesn’t play Florida State until a week from Saturday, but because the ‘Canes have a bye this weekend, it’s already Florida State week here in Coral Gables. I’ll have much more on this next week, but for now, I’ll leave you with what has to be peak FSU twitter. Keep in mind, achieving peak FSU twitter is damn hard to do considering the vast amounts of toxic stupidity in that area.

Matt Porter is a (very good) beat writer from Massachusetts with no fandom towards the Hurricanes.


 

In games that we picked last week:

  • Iowa (-4) took Willie the Wildcat out into the woods, shot him in the face with a shotgun, ate him, vomited his remains, consumed his remains again, dug a shallow grave, defecated his now digested remains into that grave and buried the evidence. He then proceeded to call Willie’s mother, take her out for a nice dinner consisting of a delicious surf ‘n’ turf medley and then never call her again. Next, he drove over to Evanston, Illinois and just burned the entire town down, purposefully leaving the decrepit dumpster of a building that is Evanston Township High School as the only structure standing. And that was all before halftime!
  • Miami (-14.5) took whoever UNC’s mascot is (I’m too lazy to look it up) out into the woods, shot him in the face with a shotgun, ate him, vomited his remains, consumed his remains again, dug a shallow grave, defecated his now digested remains into that grave and buried the evidence. He then proceeded to call [insert mascot’s name]’s mother, take her out for a nice dinner consisting of a delicious surf ‘n’ turf medley and then never call her again. Next, he drove over to Chapel Hill, North Carolina and just burned the entire town down, purposefully leaving the decrepit dumpster of a building that is [insert generic shitty North Carolina high school here] as the only structure standing. And that was all before halftime!
  • West Virginia (+3.5) got really conservative (MUCH LIKE THE UNITED STATES SENATE LET’S GO SORRY I HAD TO) at the end of the game and blew a season-defining victory against TCU but still covered.
  • Auburn (+2.5) technically won the game, covering in the process and giving Matt a key win over me in the race for first (which is really a race to the bottom as you’ll see in a second), but like comethefuckon Ole Miss won that game.
  • Ohio State (-28.5) dug up the remains of Chief Illiniwek, shot him in the face with a shotgun, ate him, vomited his remains, consumed his remains again, dug a shallow grave, defecated his now digested remains into that grave and buried the evidence. He then proceeded to dig up the remains of Chief Illiniwek’s mother, take her out for a nice dinner consisting of a delicious surf ‘n’ turf medley and then never call her again. Next, he drove over to Champaign, Illinois and just burned the entire town down, purposefully leaving the pretty solid place of a building that is the Lambda Chi Alpha fraternity house as the only structure standing because Ohio State’s not a freaking savage; come on, you actually thought Ohio State would actually burn Matt’s fraternity house to the ground???? (This just in: As it turns out, Ohio State is even worse than a savage and just burned down Matt’s fraternity house; it just wanted to fill Matt with false hope before the incineration.) And that was all before halftime!

Standings:

Season Last Week
Matt 23-27 1-4
Harry 21-29 0-5 (Ouch)
Bob 20-30 1-4

And the splits:

We All Agree  10-17 (Ouch again)
Matt Alone  3-1
Bob Alone  4-5
Harry Alone  5-5

Peanut gallery:

Winning Percentage Season Record Last Week
Andrew Kelley .543 19-16 2-3
Andrew Hunt .543 19-16 3-2
Creed Tucker .520 26-24 2-3
Mike .429 15-20 2-3
Bobby .378 17-28 3-2
Drew .314 11-24

This week, Miami and Illinois both have bye weeks, so we’re back to four national games. As usual, all lines come from Pinnacle and game times are eastern.

#10 Notre Dame at #9 Arizona State (-2.5), 3:30, ABC

Here’s one of the 2.5 de facto playoff elimination games taking place this Saturday. (We’ll pick all of them.) Don’t look now, but Arizona State is ironically becoming the 2012 Notre Dame of 2014. Yes, they have a loss, but look at a couple of ASU’s victories: a Hail Mary against a decidedly meh USC outfit and an overtime home win over Utah. IT’S THE LUCK OF THE IRISH PARTY ANIMAL DESERT DOUCHES!

Michigan (-1.5) at Northwestern, 3:30, ESPN2

It’s a battle of the teams who like to get taken out into the woods, shot him in the face with a—OKAY, OKAY I’LL CUT IT OUT. JEEZ.

#7 Kansas State at #6 TCU (-6), 7:30, FOX

Playoff Elimination Game #2. I can’t wait to see the contrast in styles between the blue-collar, power-running, defensive-stalwarting (I’m going to say “stalwarting” is a word because I can) Wildcats and the go-go spread, score points now, think about defense later Horny Horned Frogs.

#5 Alabama (-6.5) at #16 LSU, 8, CBS

Bust out the moonshine, because it’s the annual SEC rivalry that I am so over at this point. Maybe if I drink a lot of moonshine, one of these offenses will look remotely entertaining! Did I mention Lane Kiffin and Cam Cameron are the offensive coordinators squaring off in this one? Seriously, who knows how to make moonshine?

#14 Ohio State at #8 Michigan State (-3.5), 8, ABC

Playoff Elimination Game #2.5. Whoever loses is certainly done, the winner is still alive for the playoff but will need chaos at the top. This goes here:

On that note, let’s get to the picks.

Notre Dame-Arizona State:

Bob: Arizona State keeps getting W’s in a dense Pac-12 schedule, with its only loss coming in September against UCLA. Both teams come into the matchup with one loss, and it’s hardly at all discernible which team is better. I’m going to take the Sun Devils because I trust the consistency of their performances against quality teams, and they’re giving less than a field goal at home. Arizona State -2.5

Harry: Notre Dame’s letdowns against bad teams (needed a miracle 4th-down conversion to beat Stanford, a 50-43 win over a hot-and-cold UNC team, both at home) that Arizona State has yet to really show this year concern me. I agree with Bob on the consistency aspect and I think the Sun Devils’ blowout loss to UCLA was flukey in a lot of ways. I could easily see Notre Dame winning this game, but ASU is the safer pick. Arizona State -2.5

Matt: Notre Dame has established themselves firmly in the “Can beat anybody and lose to anybody” tier of teams this year. As Harry mentioned, they struggled to get by North Carolina because of turnovers and even let Navy hang around for three quarters. On the other hand, they would have defeated Florida State on the road if their leprechaun mascot hadn’t accidentally shoved his horseshoe 8 inches up Jameis Winston’s ass at the start of the season. I think the weird season of the Irish essentially concludes this week as this one ends poorly for the Domers. Arizona State -2.5

Michigan-Northwestern:

Bob: As much as everyone loves to laugh at Michigan this year, they truly are a more talented team than Northwestern, and Northwestern has not really proven that we can trust them against… anyone. After last week’s rout in Iowa and Michigan’s comfortable win over Indiana, all signs point to Michigan being the easy pick here. That probably means Northwestern will win, but there’s no way I’m taking them to beat anyone at this point. Michigan -1.5

Harry: Let me get one thing straight: in this game, nobody wins. Okay yeah, technically Michigan is going to win (by my prognostication), but this “football”—I use that term as liberally as possible in this case—game is actually going to air on national television and be watched by at least nine people. Both of these teams lose. Michigan -1.5

Matt:  I don’t see this quite as clearcut as the other two seem to, perhaps because I’m hesitant to crown Michigan as the winners just because they beat an Indiana team 34-10 last week. Indiana is not playing their first string quarterback, Nate Sudfeld, nor their crappy second string quarterback, Chris Covington. No, Indiana is playing third-string freshman Zander Diamont in the backfield alongside Tevin Coleman. After two full weeks of starting against Michigan State and Michigan, Diamont has thrown for 35 yards on 1.52 yards per pass attempt. I haven’t seen a statistic that ugly since I last looked at literally any of Illinois’ defensive numbers this season. All that said, Michigan has been better than their record all year (they’ve had terrible turnover luck combined with a turnover-prone quarterback, not a good combination) and is probably a better team overall than Northwestern. I think this one is of a similar hideous quality to last year’s game, but ultimately ends in a Michigan win. Michigan -1.5

Kansas State-TCU:

Bob: Kansas State still sits at just one loss to #3-ranked Auburn, but they have yet to have a truly impressive win. I’m riding the Horned Frogs. TCU -6

Harry: I think Kansas State is a really good football team and the best team in the Big 12. Like Bob mentioned, their only loss is entirely understandable (and they were in that game until the end, by the way) and beating Oklahoma on the road qualifies as a truly impressive win. If you want to talk about teams that don’t have a truly impressive win, what’s TCU’s again? Oklahoma at home is the Horned Frogs’ signature win and that’s not nearly as lustrous as knocking off the Sooners in Norman. Meanwhile, the Wildcats have an awesome power-rushing spread offense and killer defense. I’ll happily take the points here and I think K-State wins this game outright. Kansas State +6

Matt: I don’t know who the best team in the Big 12 is, but I think these two are the leading candidates and fairly equal (Baylor is lurking tho). Given the way TCU struggled to both finish drives and move the ball against a good-not-great West Virginia defense, I’m expecting Kansas State’s fantastic side to give them trouble. Kansas State is one of the best teams in the nation at taking care of the ball and avoiding stupid penalties, and I expect that to be a key to their covering on Saturday. Kansas State +6

Alabama-LSU:

Bob: I’ve said it a few times here: I think Alabama is a playoff-caliber team. As we have seen, it’s always tough to go into Baton Rouge at night, but I think the Tide are decisively the better team. However, this line is too high in what could easily be 1) a really close game or 2) won by the Tigers. Louisiana State +6.5

Harry: Like Bob, I think Alabama is a playoff-caliber team. Where I likely veer from Bob is that I think they are most definitely the best team in the country. Their close loss on the road at Ole Miss is entirely understandable now and even playing Arkansas close isn’t particularly concerning anymore. Their offense is still figuring it out under a new offensive coordinator who knows what he is doing and will have the Crimson Tide rolling when it counts. (Heh.) Furthermore, Bama still has to play Mississippi State and Auburn, but they get both of those teams at Bryant-Denny Stadium. In a chaotic season with no clear top dog, it’s hard to not ride with Nick Saban. Alabama -6.5

Matt: Both of these teams are beginning to hit their stride, with Alabama’s recent destruction of Teas A&M and LSU’s lucky win over Ole Miss. Weird things happen in Death Valley, but I think the Tide’s peak is much higher than the Tigers’. Alabama -6.5

Ohio State-Michigan State:

Bob: Michigan State is far far more trustworthy than Ohio State, and they’re at home and only giving 3.5. Easy pick. Michigan State -3.5

Harry: What Bob said. Please note that I wouldn’t be surprised if Ohio State won this game, but I am saying that you’d be nuts to pick the Buckeyes on the road with this line. Michigan State -3.5

Matt:

Nuts

Ohio State +3.5

Advertisements