Hello friends! It’s been quite some time since we had a post on this here site, but with school finally wrapping up for the year (except for Bob, lolquarters), I read a completely asinine post and decided to give it a good ol’ fisking. The post is literally titled, “Enjoy your transgender bathrooms. We just lost America.” Oh boy.

For anyone who would like to read the piece, do so at your own risk here. (Note from our lawyers: DCIAB is not responsible for any and all negative health outcomes that will inevitably ensure.) That won’t really be necessary though, as I’ll hit it point by point. And before you dismiss this whole thing as the leftist rambling of a hippy liberal, know that I supported Marco Rubio and then John Kasich through the primaries and would sooner vote for Air Bud than Bernie Sanders.  Let’s do this.

Enjoy your transgender bathrooms. We just lost America.

I love it. Let’s make sure that headline is BOLD and PROVOCATIVE. By the way, you’d think “we just lost America” is the most egregious unsubstantiated claim someone could make, but you just wait.

While you were fighting over who should use what bathrooms at Target, we lost our country.

While I was fighting? Not only could I not care less who uses what bathroom, but I also don’t know a single person who does. Furthermore, what does “we lost our country” even mean? Where did it go? Who has it now? If we lost our country, where am I right now? I feel like **SPOILERS** Bruce Willis at the end of The Sixth Sense. (He was dead the whole time. It’s your fault if you haven’t seen that movie yet.)

While you were arguing with coworkers over who would leave the country first if Trump/Clinton were elected, the “American Dream” perished.

This is kind of like in Click how Adam Sandler completely misses the death of his father because he’s in a fugue fast-forward state and only realizes the depravity of his ignorance later. I’M SO SORRY, AMERICAN DREAM. Also, no matter how bad both major candidates for POTUS are (and boy are they both about as bad as can be), I would sooner let Casey Anthony babysit my kids than move to Canada.

Don’t believe me? Then perhaps ALL is lost. And I can prove it all to you through the eyes of a child.

As opposed to the immature whining of a child you’re producing right now?

The screens around our house in the past couple of weeks stand in stark contrast to what’s in front of them.

The television … the laptops … the iPads … the cell phones … filled with images of the attacks around the world. Day in and day out, we hear stories about “refugees” pouring into the United States. Broadcast are the sounds of tone-deaf leaders. Of anger. Of hatred. Of hurt. Of fear.

In front of those screens runs our little daughter. Just over a year old, she’s the greatest blessing a young family can have. She’s filled with innocence, love, joy and our hopes for the future.

Tuning into cable news networks and then complaining about what the TV spits back at you is like making your own lunch and then throwing a fit that your sandwich is turkey instead of ham. What do you expect? If you don’t want your kid to watch that stuff, turn on Phineus and Ferb and then ignore her like a normal parent.

But there was a lull in the media noise on Sunday when we attended Mass. Our priest usually preaches about love. Faith. Hope.

This is my surprised face that the author of this devoutly attends church.

(Before everyone gets all mad at me, there’s nothing wrong with being religious if it makes you happy. You’re free to do so as part of the First Amendment of this country. I am a somewhat religious Jew myself. But just think, when is the last time you saw an atheist go on a screed about the END OF AMERICA? Just saying.)

But there was a different dynamic this week.

There was a different energy.

This time, he talked about the end of times.

He

talked

about

one

line

paragraphs.

Our priest is far from being an alarmist. Just the opposite.

I present the following CONSECUTIVE sentences a second time: “He talked about the end of times. Our priest is far from being an alarmist.”

Ten out of ten doctors would recommend this garbage editorial for patients with an irony deficiency.

But this particular Mass, he spoke deeply and heavily about being prepared. “For we know not the hour … ”

He wasn’t trying to frighten people.

If this priest took the author, tied him to a chair, doused him in gasoline and threw a lit match onto him, the author would say that the priest wasn’t trying to set him on fire.

It’s hard not to be afraid. It’s hard not to have an underlying anxiety. It’s hard not to wonder and pray over whether your children will have the same opportunities you did.

This is such a common sentiment of the American far right AND far left and I just can’t wrap my head around it. In every measurable way, people in America are better off today than they have been in our country’s history. The next generation will have the highest number and most diverse array of opportunities of any American generation ever. Are some being left behind more than others? Sure. America isn’t perfect. But claiming it’s fundamentally going down the drain just isn’t supported by any real evidence.

Growing up, I paid close attention in history class. And I’ve always felt a very deep sense of patriotism. I’ve always felt great respect for my country and believed that if, God forbid, we ever faced World War III, America would once again triumph.

Not sure how you could feel any differently now. Maybe because we have a FECKLESS DEMOCRAT as president? Makes a ton of sense considering that the presidents in office when we triumphed in WWI and WWII were…both Democrats. But I’m glad you “paid close attention in history class”!

Perhaps my fear, and the anxiety of so many others, is that we were wrong.

You’re not! Glad I could clear up the anxiety and we’re done with this fisking. That wasn’t so bad. Look out for our next DCIAB post coming tomorrow, 57 Things You Won’t Believe This Owner Shoved Up His Dog’s Rec—

We were wrong because of one simple line that I believe may have been written wrong. It should have read, “One Nation, Divisible After All.”

Oh for fuck’s sake.

Have we ever faced a time when our country was so polarized?

I think my favorite thing about this piece is how this asshole claims himself to be some SAVANT of history. Hmmm can’t seem to think of a single time we were as politically polarized as we are now. Not like our country literally split in two in 1861 and killed more Americans in the ensuing four years than all other wars combined. But even if it had, I’m sure today’s political climate is more divided than that.

Have we ever faced enemies so dangerous?

More awesome historical knowledge being dropped by this COURAGEOUS CONSERVATIVE. Ted Cruz would be so proud of this hack that he would buy him 100 cans of soup. Again, can’t think of a single historical opponent we have faced that literally conquered a continent and was infinitely more dangerous than ISIS.

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Yeah, drawing a blank, guys. I guess ISIS is the all-timer.

Have we ever been on such a precipice that a frightening and painful energy radiated through each of us, tying us together in some disturbing, unifying, powerful and yet simultaneously divisive way?

I would urgently suggest a laxative for that issue, but this is probably a question for your doctor and not the internet.

I’m angered to see that we live in a country where we have gone soft. We’ve become hypocrites, and we’ve become pansies.

Ah, the old AMERICA HAS GONE SOFT argument, again completely devoid of any concrete evidence that this is true. THE ONLY REASON WELFARE IS NECESSARY IS BECAUSE WE GIVE OUR KIDS PARTICIPATION TROPHIES!

We forget that our grandfathers stormed beaches to protect freedom. Instead, we demand that the freedom now come in the form of a shelter from hearing words we don’t like.

Look, no one has more disdain for Social Justice Warriors and their requisite SAFE SPACE than I do, but this doesn’t even make sense. Is he saying we should just storm random beaches in peace time? STAY WOKE KEY LARGO, THE MARINES ARE COMING JUST TO PROVE TO THIS IDIOT WE AREN’T SOFT!

We flip out because our $7 coffee comes in a red cup.

Again, I didn’t do this nor did a single person I know. In fact, the backlash to the “freakout” was far more vocal than the freakout itself. Ah, the internet.

We cancel concerts and cost people jobs because we don’t agree with a law that the people of the state passed.

That awkward moment when you are a mega rock star and cancel your North Carolina show. We’ve all been there, right? Regardless, I’m not sure what his point is here. Is he saying that artists should not have the right to choose where they play concerts? This coming from a guy clutching ALL OF THE PEARLS about American values supposedly going down the drain.

We care more about protecting where someone can take a leak than we care about the safety of our children. OUR CHILDREN.

Ah, here it is. The THINK OF THE CHILDREN justification for discriminating against trans people. Here’s an obvious point that I am far from the first person to make: many trans women who were born male transitioned to look like women and vice versa. How do these Bible thumpers feel about someone who looks exactly like a man using the women’s restroom with our children? OUR CHILDREN!

The dumbest thing about these laws is that they’re utterly pointless and only bring negative backlash to the states that pass them. People who identify as and look like men will use the men’s restroom regardless of what the law says. Same with people who identify as and look like women. NO ONE WILL EVEN NOTICE. This law is completely unenforceable. States that pass these laws might as well just put up a glittering sign visible from space that says, “NOT ONLY ARE WE DISCRIMINATORY, WE ARE ALSO STUPID.”

Again, I am a Republican who hates Social Justice Warriors. Being decent and rational human beings should be bipartisan. This is just basic common sense.

We dig up the graves of people who have been dead for a hundred-plus years because they had something to do with the Confederate flag, and that offends someone NOW.

I have found ONE incident of this happening through internet research. ONE. That’s like saying “We get high out of our fucking minds on bath salts and eat each other’s faces” because one dude in Florida did it.

And by the way, while digging up graves is probably a little much, I’m all for taking Confederate imagery and allusions off public property. As I just said, being decent and rational human beings should be bipartisan.

We say we hate what Democrats have done to the country, so we elect a House and Senate full of Republicans who proceed to also place THEIR heads up their collective asses as well. It seems as if both parties forgot what they were supposed to be doing and whom they are supposed to be representing.

I actually generally agree with this, but to say that every single member of Congress is TERRIBLE without any evidence to back it up is exactly the same sweeping, dogmatic bullshit that plagues every other sentence here. For example, I worked on the campaigns of US Senator Mark Kirk and US House Representative Robert Dold and can proudly say that they have been the most moderate members of their respective chambers (this is from data analytics sights that measure this stuff; I’m not just making it up) and worked with both Republicans and Democrats to serve their country. Sorry if he wasted his vote on a terrible legislator.

We pick sides and parties and teams and defend them to the ends of the Earth, ignoring the facts, pointing the fingers and hoping someone else will cover the cost of our skyrocketing and borderline pointless health insurance.

Health insurance, so pointless! Also, this guy calls everyone out for both “ignoring the facts” and “pointing the finger.” A new children’s cinema classic, The Irony Giant, coming to theaters near you!

This is getting really long and there’s too much left, so we’re going to jump to the most egregious points from here on out.

We ignore the simple facts about our dangerously open borders and the lack of a vetting process for refugees, then we stand in horror as ISIS attacks and we ask our politicians how they could have let this happen. And then, of course, we put a fast lane in for more to cross the border.

What?!?!? Please, name one place on American soil that ISIS has attacked. If you say San Bernadino, congratulations on being a dipshit and blaming refugees for a terrorist attack because that was AN AMERICAN CITIZEN who was merely “inspired by ISIS,” whatever the hell that means. But by all means, use that incident to block families fleeing certain death by genocide at the hands of the very people we fear from reaching a safe haven. Again, I can’t think of any other time we blocked refugees in desperate need from coming to the United States because of fear-mongered bigotry.

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Yeah, history looks really kindly on that one. Thanks, FDR!

We cry out that police are our enemies … and then we beg them to protect us from the likes of ISIS.

“Officer, please protect me from a terrorist group halfway across the world with no credible threat of invading our soil!”

-Literally no one ever

We celebrate court rulings with rainbow flags that speak volumes about how far we’ve come and how inclusive we are as Americans … then we tell our neighbors to remove their American flags and stop saying “Merry Christmas” and “Happy Hanukkah” because it offends us.

I can’t even.

We send billions of dollars overseas to help the homeless in impoverished and war-torn nations while we cut the funding for our own food banks and homeless programs.

Here’s one we can easily debunk with the crazy concept of basic research and facts. In 2015, the Federal Government spent $3.8 trillion. Of that, 32% went to domestic social services, BY FAR the largest government expenditure. For reference, that’s more than twice our military spending. A whopping 1% went to “International Affairs,” an even smaller fraction of that pie being foreign aid. I have no idea where this guy even came up with this point. And look, I will actually provide a source for this information! 

I can’t do this anymore. Again, I am a Republican, and I can confidently say the fear-mongering and idiocy from the religious right is the biggest factor blocking us from having rational discussions about the role of government in America. If they try to secede again, nobody stop them this time.

 

 

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