Welcome back to Don’t Call It A Picks Competition, our weekly column where Matt, Bob and Harry pick five college football games against the spread and make appalling jokes at pretty much everyone’s expense. As always, you’re invited to pick with us in the comment section, and we’ll post the standings each week.

Why Hurricane Matthew’s path of destruction means that the reign of the ‘Canes is truly back in college football; MY COLUMN:

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In last week’s action:

  • Miami (-7) used incredibly advantageous fumble luck (two consecutive returns for touchdowns!) to earn a relatively stressless victory of Georgia Tech.
  • Northwestern (+13.5) went into Iowa City and straight up beat the Hawkeyes. I have no idea how this happened, honestly.
  • Illinois (+20.5) covered a large spread on the road in Lincoln after absolutely dominating the second and third quarters, but coming up short in the end.
  • Wisconsin (+10.5) was absolutely manhandled offensively by Michigan, but its defense held up enough (and had significant luck) to earn the cover in Ann Arbor.
  • Clemson (+2) stopped Lamar Jackson and Louisville on the 10-yard line with just seconds remaining to preserve a huge ACC victory.

After five weeks, Harry is still an asshole:

Season Last Week
Harry 18-9 (.666)  3-2
Matt 10-17 (.370)  3-2
Bob 9-18 (.333)  3-2

We went 2-0 as a unanimous group last week, and we’re now 4-1 unanimously over the past two weeks. #StrongerTogether. Here are the splits:

We All Agree  5-6
Bob Alone 1-3
Harry Alone  8-1
Matt Alone  1-2

And the peanut gallery! Next week you’ll need at least 20 picks to qualify, so if you’re below that threshold, don’t miss this week:

Winning Percentage Season Record Last Week
Lee .666 18-9 4-1
Bernie .666 10-5 2-3
Sam .591 13-9 1-4
Andrew .589 10-7
Creed .556 15-12 2-3
Jacob .538 14-12 3-1
Mike .444 12-15 2-3
Julian .444 12-15 3-2
Drew .408 11-16 4-1
Bobby .318 7-15 3-2

LEAVE YO’ PICKS IN DA COMMENTS.

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Here are the games this week, all lines from the Vegas Insider Consensus (an average of a handful of Vegas casinos’ lines) and game times are eastern.

Purdue at Illinois (-10.5), 3:30, BTN

It’s the Big Ten West Toilet Bowl, brought to you by Charmin! 

Harry: Harry here, reporting from the middle okay fine just outside striking distance of Hurricane Matthew. While there was a lot of consternation going into today over the course of this week, the storm traveled east of projections and we are safe (and even still have power as of now!). Did I give this update here just because I have absolutely no interest in discussing this Purdue-Illinois game even a little bit? Yes. Yes I did. Purdue +10.5

Matt: This has all the feelings of a let-down game for the Illini. Lovie’s (still weird) squad played pretty darn well against a ranked Nebraska team last week on the road, and the only way to logically follow up that performance is with a crushing home loss to Purdue. But looking at the actual statistics for this game, it’s hard to imagine Purdue staying within 10 points. S&P+ predicts a 13-point Illinois win. Purdue gave up 400 rushing yards to Maryland last week, and Illinois’ offensive line started to look like a cohesive unit last week, particularly in the run game. New starting running back Reggie Corbin is really quick and looks nearly as good as he was when he ran for 2,000 yards in my NCAA 14 dynasty last year. I’m a big fan of the youth movement that started for the Illini last week, so I’ll believe in my school. Illinois -10.5

Bob: It’s pretty funny that these games count for as many DCIAPC points as, say, Louisville-Clemson last week. Purdue is the 100th-ranked team in S&P+ and lost to Maryland 50-7 last week. I still don’t know if I can take Illinois here. WELP. Illinois -10.5

#9 Tennessee at #8 Texas A&M (-6.5), 3:30, CBS

Gotta be hard for Tennessee to travel with those four leaf clover-covered horseshoes stuck so far up their assholes, but they’ll make their way to College Station one way or another.

Harry: Picking against Tennessee as an underdog this year is like purposefully antagonizing God, and with a Category 4 hurricane mere miles from Miami-Dade right now, I’m certainly not going to do that. Tennessee +6.5

Matt: YOU WILL NOT TRICK ME, TENNESSEE. I REFUSE TO BE TRICKED. YOU ARE BAD. Texas A&M -6.5

Bob: Tennessee has clearly had the bounces go its way, while Texas A&M has looked surprisingly good. Still, that’s a solid number of points in a game that could reasonably go either way. Tennessee +6.5

#21 Colorado at USC (-4.5), 4:00, Pac-12

Look at these Buffs! Fresh off a contentious game against Michigan and a relatively dominant win over Oregon, these ganja enthusiasts are off to their best start in years! They’ll play USC, who was ranked at the start of this season. No, really. They were ranked. 

Harry: WOULD. YOU. LOOK. AT. THESE. BUFFS. BUFFS +4.5

Matt: Colorado is good at football.

Colorado +4.5 (please ignore Florida sitting at #9)

Bob: Rough days for Arnim’s two respective educational institutions. I like Colorado to win this one straight-up. Colorado +4.5

#8 Washington (-9) at Oregon, 7:30, FOX

Chris Petersen’s upstart Huskies just absolutely demolished Stanford last week, something that hasn’t happened to the Cardinal in a pretty long time. Now they take on the stumbling Ducks and one of the absolute worst defenses in the country.

Harry: Until Oregon shows a single thing worth believing in this year, it’s not hard to lay a pile of points against them with a legitimate Top 10 squad like the Huskies, even on the road. Chris Peterson -9

Matt: I really, really want to pick Oregon here. They’ve still got talent, their offense is still fantastic, and they’re a 9-point underdog at home. But it’s just too difficult to justify that when Washington just beat the pants off a much better Stanford team and Oregon just gave up nearly 300 rushing yards to a Mike Leach-coached Washington State team. Washington -9

Bob: Washington appears to be a legitimately very good football team this year on both sides of the ball. Oregon has been a pile of garbage. Washington -9

#23 Florida State at #10 Miami (-3), 8, ABC

Hey, Miami’s back in the top ten and that’s pretty cool! Too bad Sebastian and his quacking cronies (do Ibises quack?) are being wiped out by a fellow Hurricane, Matthew, this week.

Harry: *insert THERE’S A STORM BREWING joke that conflates Hurricane Matthew with a Miami Hurricane victory on Saturday here* MIAMI FINALLY BEATS THE ‘NOLES LET’S GO BABY -3

Matt: Brad Kaaya. Miami -3

Bob: Okay, fine. Miami -3

Remember to leave your picks in the comments! 

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