Welcome back to Don’t Call It A Picks Competition, our weekly column where Matt, Bob and Harry pick five college football games against the spread and make appalling jokes at pretty much everyone’s expense. As always, you’re invited to pick with us in the comment section, and we’ll post the standings each week.

Well thank God we have the Cubs, because Miami football is baaaaaaaad. I greatly look forward to not having to pick them this week because they got curbstomped last night by a Virginia Tech team fresh off being a curbstompee of Dino Babers. We’ll always have the App State game.


In last week’s action:

  • North Carolina (+7) went into Miami and beat the ‘Canes outright five days before Virginia Tech effectively ended UM’s season last night. Again I say, thank God for the Cubs.
  • Wisconsin (+11) nearly beat Ohio State outright, in a game that I’m sure was quite exciting and I would have very much enjoyed had I not been euphorically joyriding around blasting Go Cubs Go after Miguel Montero sent me straight to heaven.
  • Alabama (-11.5) ROLLLLLEEEEDDDDD TIIIIIIDDDDEEEE all over Tennessee. I still think Tennessee is kind of good, contrary to Matt’s strangely personal hatred towards the Vols.
  • Illinois (-6.5) played Rutgers in a game that we should all pretend never happened and never speak of it again.
  • Northwestern (+7) scored 54 points on the road against Michigan State?!?!?!

The standings remain, as friend of DCIAPC Bret Bielema would say, borderline erotic. Would you look at the exciting race between Matt and Bob to try to finish within ten picks of me!

Season Last Week
Harry 24-13 (.649)  3-2
Matt 15-22 (.405)  2-3
Bob 14-23 (.378)  3-2

Speaking of would you look at things, take a gander at that barely-over-.500 record when we all agree. Suck it, Creed Tucker! Also good luck to your lovely wife in the election, please let her know I proudly voted for her via absentee ballot this week and she has the official endorsement of DCIAPC. Everybody vote for Jessica Tucker for Illinois State Rep as a chaser for the awful taste in your mouth after you had to vote for Trump or Hillary!

We All Agree  8-7
Bob Alone 2-3
Harry Alone  10-1 (Not a typo!)
Matt Alone  3-3

And the peanut gallery, which I actually took the time to put in order this week. *glances towards Matt* [Ed Matt: God forbid somebody else does some work to put up this damn post.]

Winning Percentage Season Record Last Week
Bernie .680 17-8 3-2
Lee .676 25-12 3-2
Sam .621 18-11 4-1
Andrew .591 13-9 3-2
Jacob .556 20-16 4-1
Creed .514 19-8 3-2
Mike .486 18-19 3-2
Julian .444 14-18 2-3
Drew .432 16-21 3-2
Bobby .375 12-20 3-2

As my slightly-on-the-spectrum colleague Matt Silich loves to say, LEAVE YO’ PICKS IN DA COMMENTS.


Here are the games this week, all lines from the Vegas Insider Consensus (an average of a handful of Vegas casinos’ lines) and game times are CENTRAL BECAUSE THAT’S GOD’S TIME ZONE. Would God really have put the Mars Cheese Castle in the Central Time Zone if he preferred another one? I think not.

Indiana at Northwestern (-2), 11 AM, BTN

Can’t think of a bigger game in the Chicago area tomorrow than Indiana-Northwestern! 

Harry: Fresh off of their best offensive showing in years, Northwestern is at home and justifiably a small favorite. Naturally, they will lose. Indiana +2

Matt: This seemed like one of those years where Northwestern is bad and also loses, but apparently that was just a non-conference thing. They’re actually bad and will win lots of games. Why can’t Illinois ever be bad and win lots of games? One time, Illinois. One time. Northwestern -2

Bob: Both teams look to be firmly mediocre; deciding which is less mediocre is a tough call. Based on peripherals, Indiana actually looks like decidedly the better team, despite generally similar results. Whatever, I’ll just pick my school here. Northwestern -2

#6 Texas A&M at #1 Alabama (-19), 2:30, CBS

Do we really have to pick the Alabama game again?

Harry: I will take the absurd number of points Alabama’s opponents get every week until the day I die. GIG ‘EM +19

Matt: You know how this works. I say some tiny sentence and then hit you with a Rawaawwwwwwlllllll tiiiiiiidddeeee. But no, Alabama has to quizzically have a moderate amount of trouble with one SEC team this year, and Texas A&M, who unlike Tennessee is actually #good, is my pick for it. Texas A&M +19

Bob: Too many puntos. I said the same thing last week, but A&M is better than Tennessee and comes off a bye week. Texas A&M +19

Illinois at…oh Jesus this is not good #3 Michigan (-ALL OF THE POINTS), 2:30, BTN

The actual line on this game is 38.5 points. That’s normally an unusually high over/under in the Big Ten.

Harry: Michigan could cover this line in the first half if they wanted to. Hide the children. Michigan -38.5

Matt: Wes Lunt might not play. Chayce Crouch might not play. Jeff George Jr. (yes, that one) is the potential starter this weekend, with a converted WR/DB as his back-up quarterback. I would probably pick Michigan -48.5. Michigan -38.5

Bob: Michigan has yet to put in anything resembling a disappointing performance – the Colorado and Wisconsin games were 91st and 94th percentile, respectively – and has a 99% win probability in this one. Michigan -38.5

#17 Arkansas at #21 Auburn (-11), 5, ESPN

Is Auburn actually kind of good? Their only losses have come to Clemson (by just six points) and Texas A&M. To answer my original question, nah.

Harry: You actually can’t be serious with this line. This pick is the lock of the century. WOO PIG +11

Matt: This line kind of feels like a joke. BERT +11

Bob: Who knows on these random SEC matchups between two teams you know are pretty good, but not that great? Auburn has far better peripherals and comes off a bye week. I’ll be bold and prepare to shove this in Harry’s and Matt’s faces. Auburn -11

Washington State (-7.5) at Arizona State, 9, Pac-12 

Look, we weren’t going to pick yet another shitty SEC game that’s somehow between two ranked teams (#23 Ole Miss and #25….LSU? Okay then.), [ED Matt: the SEC rankings inflation actually makes me so mad. That could be a column topic someday.] so we’re going to give you a rooting interest in this week’s #Pac12AfterDark tornado of football heaven. And don’t sleep on Mike Leach’s Cougs! They’ve only lost to conference champions this year (don’t ask which conferences).

Harry: This line is suffering from some major recency bias because ASU looked like garbage at Colorado last week. The best time to bet on a team is when they looked awful the week before and you get a free two to three points as is the case here. ASU +7.5

Matt: Bad things happen when Washington State is favored on the road. Expect a heavy dosage of fireball for Mike Leach. Maybe he’ll even shove one of his players in a closet again. ASU +7.5

Bob: Arizona State appears to be bad, and it’s not just last week. In each of the past three weeks, the Sun Devils failed to top 23 percentile, which featured two rough losses to USC and Colorado. Washington State, meanwhile, has had a run of nice results after the week-one stinker. Washington State -7.5

Remember to leave your picks in the comments!