Welcome back to Don’t Call It A Picks Competition, our weekly column where Matt, Bob and Harry pick five college football games against the spread and make appalling jokes at pretty much everyone’s expense. As always, you’re invited to pick with us in the comment section, and we’ll post the standings each week.
You want a column? YOU WANT A COLUMN?
Hey look, we actually have a column this week! Technically? Sure, it’s unrelated to college football and it’s not on this here website, but it is a column. Below we’re going to talk about and then pick some college football games, even though it feels pretty hollow coming three days after the most insane election night since…I don’t know, ever?
To all my Democrats out there, welcome to the hell that is Donald Freaking Trump defeating your preferred candidate for president while you stare on in horrified disbelief! Myself and a couple of our elephant-inclined readers (sup, guys) have been warming up seats in this shameful club since the primaries. Feels really shitty in here, doesn’t it?
Hold on tight, America. Let’s talk about football.
In last week’s action:
- The Cleveland Indians blew a 3-1 lead in the World Series.
- Illinois (+7.5) not only covered, they beat Michigan State outright to send the Spartans into a MUST WATCH game pitting two 0-5 teams together against Rutgers. What a time to be alive.
- Wisconsin (-7) MANBALLed their way to a two-touchdown win over Northwestern.
- Miami (-2) actually found some freaking offense for the first time since…the App State game in September? They put up better than 50 on Pitt and rolled to a nice win.
- Death, taxes, Alabama (-7.5).
- I’d rather not even discuss what Ohio State (-17) did to Nebraska.
Let’s go to Wolf Blitzer for a KEY RACE ALERT.
*DUNNN DUNN DUNNN DUNNN*
Thanks, Jake! CNN is now ready to project Harry Kroll as the winner of the state of DCIAPC, with just over two-thirds of the precincts reporting in that state. This win gives him zero electoral votes towards accomplishing anything in life! [ED Matt: Harry is still an asshole.]
Hey, look! Another week at .500 when we all agree. Maybe #TheRule is to pick against us when we all agree exactly half the time. Although it better be the right half.
|We All Agree||10-10|
Rough week for the peanut gallery, aside from the shining beacon of Mike Rosenberg winning three to get back to even on the year.
|Winning Percentage||Season Record||Last Week|
Keep leaving those picks in the comments!
Here are the games this week, all times listed in God’s time zone. Lines come from the ESPN.com college football scoreboard as usual because I somehow am still employed despite writing this at work every week. (If anyone from work is reading, I write these on my lunch break. And actually I’m not even at work right now; I’m writing this on campus on Thursday night but I wanted to keep the joke going. Who am I kidding no one from work reads this garbage.)
Northwestern (-13.5) at Purdue, 11 AM, BTN
Harry: I know it’s Purdue, but you’d have to be high off some purple substance to lay almost two touchdowns on the road with Northwestern. BTFU +13.5
Matt: BOILERS WIN! BTFU +13.5
Bob: I am high off some purple substance. Northwestern -13.5
Baylor at #11 Oklahoma (-17.5), 11 AM, ABC/ESPN2
Harry: Oh goodie, Baylor football is here to provide something almost as uncomfortable to talk about as President-Elect Donald Trump! Baylor +17.5
This is sooooo many points. Baylor +17.5 Changing this pick so it’s different from Harry. Oklahoma +17.5
Bob: Baylor comes off two straight astonishingly bad weeks, yet it was undefeated just before them. This line seems an overreaction to me. Baylor +17.5
Miami (-10.5) at Virginia, 1, ESPN3 (lol)
Harry: I’m burying this in the middle of my picks so I don’t set the entire campus on fire by daring to have an alternate opinion, but honestly I’m not upset that Trump beat Clinton (though I did not vote for him) and I think America will be pretty fine over the next four to eight years. Don’t @ me. Or do, whichever you prefer. Anyway, Virginia is bad at football. Miami -10.5
Nah. Miami -10.5 Changing this pick so it’s different from Harry. Virginia +10.5
Bob: I strongly disagree with Harry except on his pick. Virginia is outright bad, and it looks like Miami might be back on some sort of track, unlike our country am I right folks. Miami -10.5
Illinois at #7 Wisconsin (-26.5), 2:30, ESPN2
Harry: I know Illinois football has about as good of a chance of winning this thing as Gary Johnson had on Tuesday, but you’re asking me to lay four scores with Alex Hornibrook. (I’m not looking that up to see if I spelled it correctly.) No thanks. Illinois +26.5
Matt: Wisconsin has scored over 26 points only twice this season, once against Richmond and once against Michigan State. They scored 30. Illinois +26.5
Bob: Yeah, this is simply too many points. Illinois +26.5
#20 USC at #4 Washington (-8.5), 8, FOX
Harry: The Cleveland Indians blew a 3-1 lead in the World Series. Washington -8.5
Matt: Washington remains legitimate. Washington -8.5
Bob: The game of the week in a quite poor slate of college football games, as USC comes off a five-game winning streak, forcing us to consider them to be good. I still like Washington to win this huge primetime home game without a ton of trouble. Washington -8.5