Welcome back to Don’t Call It A Picks Competition, our weekly column where Matt, Bob and Harry pick five college football games against the spread and make appalling jokes at pretty much everyone’s expense. As always, you’re i—

*furious airhorn sounds*


We’re late this week, but not without fair reason. The Cubs took part in one of the longest nine-inning games in baseball history. My grandma was visiting for the first time in several years. Bob’s longtime family dog and generally superb animal Sophie, AKA Sophitchka, passed away earlier this week. She was the best. Elsewhere in the country, Harry almost straight-up died, and Brick killed a guy. Things were busy.

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I am very sad to share the passing of Sophie, the beautiful golden retriever who brought boundless happiness to the Hayes family for 13 years. While she may be "only" a dog, she truly meant far more than one could imagine in my (and my family's) life. She was the dog with whom my siblings and I grew up. Through so many life changes, she made me smile every day we shared a home since I was in elementary school. Seeing her gleefully roll around the front lawn or meet me at the back door out of breath with a wagging tail every time I came home from school (or anywhere) always represented the first sure sign I had arrived home. Most of all, as anyone who spent time with her noticed right away, she genuinely never stopped being happy, friendly, and enthusiastic, even through several battles with debilitating health issues, all through her final moments of life. Sophie not only constantly helped me feel happy; she also helped me try to help others feel happy by being a role model of eternal positivity. I love you Sophie and miss you dearly ❤️

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Because of all this madness, we were distracted and kept putting this off. We’d intended to do a fun Group of 5 feature week of picks, and talk a bit about why the lower levels of college football are just as fun as the big boys. But there just isn’t the time to do so and give you a fair shot at picking before the games begin Saturday.

On the bright side, you’re about to experience a little something we like to call, “EXPRESS DCIAPC”! What sort of exciting benefits will come from this for you, the reader?

Well, basically none. In fact, it results in a pretty boring week. But given that none of you ever comment on the blog or fake sponsor anyway, even when it goes to a level of insanity previously unseen even by us, I just assume you’re here to autofellatiate to your picks record.

Enjoy that.



Season Last Week
Matt 18-12 (.600) 4-1
Harry 16-14 (.533) 2-3
Bob 14-16 (.467) 2-3


We All Agree 9-8
Bob Alone 0-3
Harry Alone 2-3
Matt Alone 3-2

Peanut Gallery: Westrich continues to go 2-3 every week. greenmonstersite still hasn’t had a losing week. Who is this mysterious, dominant picker?

Winning Percentage 2017 Record Last Week
greenmonstersite .760 19-6 3-2
Bobby .633 19-11 3-2
Bernie .567 17-13 4-1
Arnim .550 11-9 3-2
Mike .550 11-9 4-1
Jeff .533 16-14 3-2
Jacob .500 15-15 2-3
Lee .500 15-15 1-4
Molly .500 10-10 2-3
Zev .480 12-13 3-2
Sam .467 14-16 2-3
Creed .467 14-16 4-1
Westrich .400 8-12 2-3
Julian .400 12-18 2-3
Nik .360 9-16


Here is this week’s slate of games:

Rutgers at Illinois (-2.5), Noon, BTN

RUTG-‘ER? I HARDLY KNOW ‘ER! [Bob: Man, this is going to get Illinois-ing!]

Matt: Illinois -2.5

Harry: Illinois -2.5

Bob: Illinois -2.5

Georgia Tech at #11 Miami (-6), 3:30, ABC

Mia-mi?? I hardly know me!!

Matt: Miami -6

Harry: Miami -6

Bob: Miami -6

Northwestern (-3) at Maryland, 3:30, ESPN2

Northwest-‘ern?! I hardly know Ern’! 

Matt: Northwestern -3

Harry: Maryland +3

Bob: Maryland +3

#25 Navy at Memphis (-3.5), 3:45, ESPNU

Memp-‘his? I hardly know this!!

Matt: Navy +3.5

Harry: Memphis -3.5

Bob: Navy +3.5

Boise State at #19 San Diego State (-6.5), 10:30, CBSSN

Boise?!? I hear it’s a nice city!!!

Matt: San Diego State -6.5

Harry: Boise State +6.5

Bob: Boise State +6.5

Remember to leave your picks in the comments!